Britain's new dream is to not have house by the sea

MILLIONS of Britons who dreamed of a coastal cottage would now prefer something several hundred miles inland.

Bond trader Julian Cook said: “I’ve always wanted to retire to a little place on the Dorset coast with white-painted walls and a view of the sea. I was going to call it Crabpots.

“The problem is that the sea is made of water. Deep, floody water.

“Instead, I’ve spent my savings on a two-up two-down former Victorian slum property in Derby which I call 44 Grange Street, Derby.”

Estate agent Francesca Johnson said: “Apparently, buyers don’t want to sleep on the floor of a school gymnasium while their precious possessions are being swept away in a torrent of filthy water.

“People give up on their dreams so easily these days.”

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Kinnear unable to get any signatures on leaving card

JOE Kinnear has left St James’ Park for the last time with a blank farewell card.

Newcastle United’s departing director of football reported solid interest in the glossy A6-sized rectangle but it remained un-inked.

He said: “To you this might look like a blank card with a picture of a downcast owl on it, but what you can’t see is how close I was to getting Shola thingy to sign it or that other one, the French or Mexican lad?”

Kinnear was an unexpected choice when he was appointed director of football last June, having previously been the least popular manager in the club’s history.

The ex-Wimbledon man’s popularity if anything decreased when he mispronounced the names of several players and indeed the city of Newcastle, but he insisted he should be judged on his signings.

A bullish Kinnear subsequently inundated Lionel Messi’s general mailing address with letters, chasing Cristiano Ronaldo with a ballpoint pen and even insisting a deal for Ferenc Puskas was “all but done”.

However Messi never replied, Ronaldo was too fast and Puskas had passed away in 2006. Many fans felt Kinnear’s subsequent attempt to exhume the Hungarian legend was distasteful.

The low point for Kinnear came in the January transfer window when he unveiled himself as Brazilian winger ‘Kinnearinho’ at a press conference sporting an unconvincing wig.

Few Newcastle United fans fell for the trick, knowing full well that Kinnearinho had just signed for Sporting Lisbon.