Brown To Flood Streets With 100,000 Crazed Thugs

GORDON Brown is to tackle violent crime by identifying the country's worst families and forcing them to live on the streets.

The prime minister believes Britain's most anti-social maniacs will only become law-abiding, productive members of society once they are both unemployed and homeless.

A Downing Street spokesman said: "At first they will roam around town centres, terrorising the local population and robbing people at knifepoint.

"But eventually these feral gangs will take over the Asda car park and set up a Mad Max style community, governed by a deranged tyrant with a Mohican.

"Each day at sunset they will launch terrifying raids on the local population, stealing food, petrol and women.

"For entertainment they will round-up able-bodied men and make them fight to the death in a ramshackle arena, while they rev the engines of their huge motorcycles and howl at the moon."

He added: "There is a danger they will become so powerful that they take over the local council and are therefore able to move back into their old house, but we believe that can be prevented if every community clubs together and hires a road warrior."

Meanwhile the government last night backtracked on plans to take knife carrying youths on educational visits to spoon factories after everyone said it was a terrible idea.

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Your Astrological Week Ahead

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)

Unhealthy relationships are damaging your self-esteem and confidence. Why don’t you weed out the negative influences in your life? Oh I forgot, you’re a pathetic needy little shit.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)

Open your eyes and take notice of a friend who wants more than just a casual bond. See if you can guess who it is from the top of their head.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)

It’s fine to hold onto your dreams of finding the perfect mate, but you might be ignoring someone close to you who is at least worth a shag.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)

Your curiosity is strong so you need to find people willing to let you go in search of new opportunities. You can’t pretend you’ve slipped in there by accident every time.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)

Today you are feeling torn between your usual grasping thoughtlessness and a new streak of mean, uncaring, inconsiderate self-absorption.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)

Show your pals how much you appreciate them by making them something from scratch. That way it won’t cost you anything

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)

Your idealistic theories about the world endear you to someone close. So what if she is your niece? Invade Russia.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)

A long-lasting relationship may not seem possible to you right now, but if you stay positive and persevere, it will still not be possible for you in the future either.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)

Friends want to set you up on a blind date. So why not let them? If they can’t see then you are at least in with a chance. Do they know any that can’t smell?

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

It's okay to be idealistic about love, but keep your standards at realistic human levels. Unless you are reading this in Wales.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)

Sooner or later you will find the best approach for you for getting a date. Some men are turned on by the wedding ring, they see it as a challenge. You just have to experiment.