Children holding talks on best way to ruin holiday

BRITISH children have begun talks on how to destroy any sense of peace and relaxation on their family holiday.

Brats from around the UK are deciding how best to bring stress, panic and tedium to the one or two weeks their parents had hoped to be able to unwind.

Nine year old Joseph Turner said: “I’m going to injure myself in a very minor way that still requires a visit to A&E – that’ll be a five-hour round trip from our remote campsite in Cornwall.

“The stress alone will be too much for Mum, not to mention how draining my constant moaning about the injury will be for the whole fortnight. Sweet.”

Five year old Eleanor Shaw added: “I agree with Joseph’s approach, it shows real commitment.

“I’m planning to lose my favourite teddy bear at the airport. I’ll be inconsolable all week, refusing to go into any restaurant, pool or hire car without ‘my little Noo-Noo’.”

Ten year-old Nathan Muir said: “If the wifi in the chalet isn’t perfect I will go absolutely apeshit.”

Shaw added: “Thanks everyone. Good meeting.”

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Corbyn trying to return to cult following 

JEREMY Corbyn is releasing increasingly difficult material to reduce his fanbase to before he was successful.

Producer John McDonnell confirmed the Labour leader was tired of the adulation of voters listening to him saying things that sort of made sense and yearned for the old days when he could play to a room above a pub.

McDonnell said: “Jeremy got into politics just wanting to do his own thing and if anyone else wanted to vote for it, that was a bonus. It was never about being popular.

“But then those surprise Labour leadership hits happened and before you know it he’s playing Glastonbury and doing the whole Andrew Marr/Robert Peston circuit.”

The Labour leader has released a deliberately discordant and difficult statement about immigrants stealing British jobs to see which of his devoted fans stay with him.

Former Corbyn fan Nikki Hollis said: “I just want to listen to the radio with some nice policies about the NHS or businesses paying their tax while I’m driving to work.”

But Corbyn stalwart Roy Hobbs said: “I genuinely like the new material, it sounds nothing like Farage. His stance on Brexit is his best stuff yet, but you really need to concentrate for it to make any sense.”