Christ got crucified very early this year

EASTER takes place a week before the end of March because Jesus was crucified very early this year 1,986 years ago.

The festival is one of the moveable feasts of the Christian calendar, often confusing people who are used to historical events remaining on a fixed date.

Archbishop of Canterbury Justin Welby said: “Sometimes Jesus was crucified by the Romans well into a balmy Middle Eastern spring, and sometimes only just out of winter.

“The exact date – and consequently the length of that year’s Creme Egg window – depends very much on the ineffable mood of God.

“Yes, normally when people die that date remains the same year on year, but Jesus was not like other people. He was a magic man.”

The Archbishop added: “Christianity’s not just mumbo-jumbo. It all makes perfect, logical sense. I think a lot more people would come to church if they knew that.”

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We’ll celebrate your birthday if we get a day off, Britain tells Queen

THE UK has told the Queen it will celebrate her 90th birthday if she gives everyone a day off work. 

Members of the public have admitted they are aggrieved about the monarch’s attempt to get all the usual cheering and flag-waving without keeping up her end of the deal. 

Roy Hobbs of Whitechapel said: “She knows how it fucking works. 

“We pretend we’re really into the monarchy, she gives us 24 hours away from the daily grind to drink strong white cider. 

“We did it for her golden jubilee, we did it for the diamond one four years ago, and I’ll be first down by the barricades in a Union Jack waistcoat if she does it again this year. 

“But trust me, you try to cheat us out of our day off and you’ll taste the true extent of Britain’s total indifference.”

A spokesman for St James’s Palace said: “Certainly. How does Friday June 10th suit you?

“We can promise a four-day weekend at the ‘end of her reign’, if you know what I mean, if you reciprocate with real tears.”