Christmas cheer so f**king infectious

AN INSUFFERABLE sense of seasonal joy is said to be highly contagious and on a merciless rampage through the nation, doctors have warned.

In a phenomenon medical scientists are calling the ‘John Lewis effect’, even the most hardened and cynical of people are falling prey to that warm, mushy feeling inside brought on by the relentless onslaught of fucking merriment. 

Professor Henry Brubaker, who is leading the team of researchers trying to develop a cure, said: “We strongly advise people to stay indoors to avoid triggering sights, such as twinkling lights, and the look of wonder in a child’s eyes.

“We would also recommend forgoing the giving and receiving of gifts, and advise throwing all copies of Love Actually, Elf and that one with Matilda trying to prove Santa Claus is real, into the bin.

“Please note, we’ve said bin, not fire. If you already have a fire going, there’s not much we can do to help you.”

Sufferer Tom Booker said: “Ho ho ho! Sorry. I can’t stop doing that.

“I think I caught mine off my friend Lucy, who’s been counting down the days to Christmas since Halloween. I’ve tried to make her feel better by saying I could have got it from anyone.

“Mince pie?”

Researchers have confirmed that the epidemic will be over by 27th December, and have urged sufferers to wait it out and to stay away from Bailey’s, which still tastes as vile as it did last year.

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Man forced to carry Christmas presents round eight pubs

A MAN is furious after being given no option but to cart bulky Christmas presents on a full pub crawl. 

Stephen Malley was given the presents, which he was also warned are fragile, in the last hour of his working day and had to subsequently protect them for six progressively drunken hours like a videogame escort mission.

He said: “What kind of sadist? I should have left them in TGI Fridays.

“By the time we were at Wetherspoons I was totally sick of looking after them and if that weird bloke had grabbed one I’d at least have been free of its burden.

“Everyone knows you only give gifts in a house or an office. Maybe a car.”

The present, a collection of glass bowls, is expected to make it home, be left in the porch and eventually be opened and broken on New Year’s Eve.