Clever people lurking among us

CLEVER people continue to infiltrate normal society at all levels, it has emerged.

New research found that around one-third of people can do basic maths, technically making them ‘eggheads’ or ‘brainiacs’.

Father-of-two Roy Hobbs said: “They look just like you or I, but they like sums and read books for fun.

“The government should ensure that all books contain a big fist on a spring that boings out and punches whoever’s reading them. Then all clever people would be clearly marked with a black eye.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Shanghai pigs killed by mermaid hen party

THE large number of dead pigs found in a Shanghai river is the result of a mermaid hen party, it has emerged.

2,000 pig carcasses were pulled from the Huangpu river, in an area where garish 80s bars cater to pre-marital mermaids.

25 mermaid bachelorettes had attended a £1.50 Jagerbomb night at the Bar ‘Maid shooter lounge in the riverside party district.

Mer-hen Nikki Hollis said: “The night began brilliantly. We had these hilarious glittery cowboy hats and even managed to get a porpoise to sign the bride’s boobs.

“But what us sirens really love is hot guys. Not the kind with feather cuts and charity shop jumpers, but real men with gruff voices and tattoos.

“After our nineteenth round, when I saw thousands of stocky, shirtless guys partying on the banks, I was like “Okay, who paid for this?”

“But the girls weren’t listening because they were on those dudes like a pack of screaming nympho piranhas.

“The last I remember I was trying to do a cartwheel for this one who I swear looked just like Taylor Lautner.

“It was fun at the time but now it’s fucking brutal. A few of the girls are already complaining of itching and burning.

“Oh Christ, has anyone checked Facebook?”