CofE calls for Christian meat packaging to show Jesus eating a sausage

THE row over faith-based meat has escalated with Anglicans demanding that packaging shows an image of Jesus eating a large sausage.

The Archbishop of Canterbury insisted secular meat is ‘no longer feasible’ and that supermarket shoppers should be able identify Muslim meat, Christian meat, Hindu meat and Voodoo meat.

He said: “Jesus wanted everyone to enjoy meat, particularly sausages. It was the main reason he was crucified.

“I fully respect Islamic meat faith, Hindu beef dogma and the Jewish Sin of Bacon, as well as Buddhist meat-free reincarnation magic and the Voodoo chicken thing.

“But Christians deserve the same respect for their meat religion.”

He added: “As for how the animals are killed, I’m not a vet, but have we tried hitting them over the head with a large, metal cross?

“Like I say, I’m not a vet.”

Meanwhile, supermarkets have offered a compromise which would involve meat packing showing a photo of the abattoir employee who killed the animal.

Tom Logan, a marketing consultant, said: “We could have a picture of ‘Brian’ giving a big ‘thumbs-up’, accompanied by a few words telling us something about him – he’s married to Helen, he enjoys cycling and his favourite film is You’ve Got Mail.

“But some consumers may not be ‘Brian fans’ and would prefer to eat animals killed by ‘Alan’ or ‘Sarah’ or ‘Geoff’.

“They could follow their favourites on social media and have conventions every year where they gather at a three-star hotel and watch Geoff kill a pony.”

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Sports journalists urge calm about the new Maradona

FOOTBALL hacks have cautioned against over-hyping James Wilson, probably the most brilliant footballer of this or any generation.

Martin Bishop of the Mail on Sunday said: “We shouldn’t jump to conclusions based on what was basically a reserve-team friendly, but if James Wilson isn’t England captain by June then I’m personally putting Roy Hodgson’s head on a spike.”

Daily Express writer Roy Hobbs said: “It’s important not to overreact, but Wilson has to go to Brazil, if not in the starting eleven then as manager.

“Failing that, he should be made chairman of the FA, or possibly Duke of Edinburgh.”

“Without wanting to put too much pressure on his shoulders, if Wilson hasn’t single-handedly won us the greatest football accolade by the time he’s 20, he’s an acutely pathetic failure.”