ALL of the £76M raised on Red Nose Day will be used to hire a crack team of killers, it has been confirmed.
The group, known only as The Rectifiers, will deal with the politicians and warlords most responsible for child poverty around the globe, in a slick takedown operation.
Comic Relief hit squad coordinator Nikki Hollis said: The money will go towards lengths of piano wire, black leather gloves and creepy latex masks.
“The assassin community has been incredibly supportive and we’ve had killers ringing in offering their services for free because they are really into Comic Relief.”
13-year-old Emma Bradford raised £108 by organising a cake stall at her school: “I think it’s great that the money is going on undetectable toxins for real-life ninjas.
“It’d be great if one of them could come into an assembly and explain the real story behind Joseph Kony’s mysterious heart attack.”
A Comic Relief spokesman said that next year’s campaign will focus on the UK: Spoiler alert – a certain old Etonian may get woken up at 3am by men in balaclavas wielding the latest child poverty figures and a knife the size of a horses cock.