Councils To Position Skip Full Of Shit Outside Your House

COUNCILS across Britain are to save millions of pounds by placing a massive skip full of rotting chicken carcases and used incontinence pants at your front door.

Officials say the 3200-litre communal waste bins will help to reduce the cost of the one thing you are actually happy to pay them to do properly.

Council tax payer Bill McKay, from Brighton, said: "I pay about two grand a year in the full knowledge that the vast majority of it will be wasted in the most insultingly gratuitous fashion, but that they will, at least, come along once a week and empty my wheelie bin.

"Now I will open my front door to be greeted by a huge, black shitbox, which, I have no doubt, will quickly become a nightclub/vomitorium/bed and breakfast for the local vagrancy and their pet rats."

But the Local Government Association (LGA) insists the savings can be diverted into other priorities including a new taskforce designed to get more midgets into the House of Lords.

An LGA spokesman said: "There seems to be a misconception that councils are somehow there to provide services and do things that people want.

"This is the 21st century. There are more important things we can do with taxpayers' money than go around picking up indivdual wheelie-bins from outside people's houses and then emptying them into the back of some large outdated truck.

"For example, very few of our cherished local libraries have an interactive display about the history of anal sex. And then, of course, there's my pension."


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Wind Turbine Damage 'May Not Have Been Aliens'

DAMAGE to a Lincolnshire wind farm turbine may not have been caused by aliens, experts claimed last night.

Police insist the most likely explanation for the damage to the 300-ft turbine is a high speed crash involving an extra-terrestrial spacecraft.

One of the blades was badly dented and another disappeared, as is often the case in alien-windfarm collisions.

Inspector Tom Logan said: "What seems to have happened is an alien being has travelled millions of light years across space from a planet we have never heard of, using technology we can only dream about, and then collided with a windfarm in Conisholme.

"I've said it before – these alien craft are designed for high-speed intergalactic travel. They do not handle well in the Earth's atmosphere, mainly due to our fluctuating magnetic fields.

"The aliens need to slow down or preferably use a different mode of transport once they arrive on Earth. There's an excellent bus service between Mablethorpe and Market Rasen."

Although police consider aliens the most likely explanation they are not ruling out other lines of enquiry, including giant wasps or a massive urang utan.

Local villagers have also reported gangs of angry voles with ladders, while nearby farmyards are being checked for cow catapults.

However, Julian Cook, professor of physics at Cambridge University, said: "How many times do we have to tell you? Do not talk to people from Lincolnshire."