Couple’s wedding theme is ‘Look how rich our parents are’

AN engaged couple have decided to theme their upcoming wedding around their parents’ vast wealth.

Nikki Hollis and Julian Cook toyed with several motifs, including their shared love of snowboarding and Dubai breaks, before settling on a celebration of their family finances.

Hollis said: “Well, they are spending more than £130,000 on the day, so it just seemed an honest one that everyone could have fun with.

“The invitations are embossed with images of our family homes, we’ve ordered a cake shaped like Tom’s dad’s yacht and my dad’s speech will dwell on wonderful moments we’ve had in luxury destinations around the world.

“There’s a free bar with trained mixologists, continuing the theme of abundant money, and all the wedding cars will be borrowed from our next-door neighbour in Buckinghamshire. Who’s Jamiroquai.”

The pair added that, in keeping with their theme, they will eschew the fashionable sentiment that guests’ presence is enough.

Hollis said: “Fuck that. The wedding list starts at £500.”

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Man enjoys annual day of struggling to understand betting

A MAN at Cheltenham knowledgeably discussing form and accumulators has already lost several hundred pounds, he has confirmed. 

Stephen Malley, aged 36, attends the festival every year and attempts to learn all about horseracing and the wagers surrounding it while drunk in a mob of drunks.

He said: “Every year I promise myself I’ll learn what odds actually are and then realise that it’s just boring maths. Is 2/1 better than 8/4? Why is it all in olden days measurements?

“Apparently the going’s good, but is that good news for a horse called Tommy Rapper? Should I know more about the horse called Tommy Rapper? Is it my fault if I lose money on him?

“Should I cover the spread? Should I bet each way? Should I really be betting at all, given my staggering ignorance?”

Malley added: “It’s almost as though getting a load of blokes pissed near pretty girls in fancy frocks and pressuring them to risk money on complex variables they know nothing about is some kind of con.

“But nah. It’s the sport of kings. £20 on I Shot The Sheriff to win.”