David Cameron invents the Scouts

THE prime minister has unveiled a radical new concept for social change involving youngsters with neckerchiefs being helpful.

Problem solved

As part of an innovative government scheme which will make everything fine again forever, young people in khaki shorts will perform useful tasks such as litter picking and mildly incompetent car washing under the tutelage of a responsible adult.

David Cameron said: “It’s just something that popped into my head while I was in process of single-handedly fixing the country last night.

“What ‘Broken Britain’ needs is a type of non-military public service organisation for young people. I haven’t decided what I’m going to call my explosive new idea yet but it’s between ‘the Scouts’ and ‘the Boys Brigade’.

“Yeah, I know. Who wants to touch me?”

He added: “Compulsory meetings will be held weekly in freezing cold purpose-built sheds that smell of hormones and Robinson’s Barley Water.

“If a young person fails to attend I will personally visit their mum and advise her to stop their pocket money.

“What with this and demolishing the clearly flawed notion of humans having rights, I’m a hotter than a Tottenham carpet shop.”

Roy Hobbs, from Peterborough, said: “I have this weird feeling that I was involved in something vaguely similar when I was about nine. But it must have been a dream because a) I had a thing called a woggle and b) otherwise this country’s reins are in the hands of a fucknut.

“And clearly the man who coined the brilliant phrase ‘Broken Britain’ wouldn’t be spouting some recycled gimmicky bullshit. After this, I think he has earned the right to go back to his villa in Tuscany.”