Disability benefits to be replaced by medals

THE disability benefits system will be replaced by medals for things like shutting up and getting on with it, it has emerged.

Ministers have hailed Paralympians for smashing the stereotyped view of the disabled as people who need money to do stuff.

Under the new Disability Medal Allowance system, financial support will be replaced by gold, silver, and bronze awards for not causing a fuss.

They will be awarded by Iain Duncan Smith at a weekly gala ceremony with free biscuits and disability-themed special guests like Bouncer from Neighbours, who looks like a guide dog.

A government spokesman said: “When you look at Paralympics heroes, they prove that disabled people – however debilitated they might seem –  need true grit rather than money to achieve their goals, whether that’s winning a race or simply getting to work.

“Certainly they are not to be pitied. In fact, they’re pretty much all brilliant at basketball, have massive JCVD-style biceps, and would hate to be seen sponging.

“The more medals we win, the more it proves our – their – point.

“Gold – or at least gold-plated – medals are so much more gratifying than cash, and will really get the disabled off their arses.

“Metaphorically speaking, of course, I do appreciate that some of them have trouble standing up.”

38-year-old Stephen Malley said: “I tended to spunk my disability benefits on frivolous things like wheelchairs, which is basically the same as pissing it away in the pub, so this will really help me get my act together.”



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Maybe you just need to learn more, GCSE students told

PUPILS protesting GCSE results have been asked to consider whether they might get better grade if they learn more things.

As protests over lower grades intensify, education chiefs have offered an alternative explanation to a massive conspiracy between government departments.

Exam board director Roy Hobbs said: “I know kids have been getting progressively cleverer every single year and that schools have been getting better and better for the last two decades because somehow our evolution is hurtling toward us becoming a race of glowing, hovering brains.

“But that doesn’t mean you don’t need to pick up a book once in a while and look at the words contained within.

“We’d love to make it all really easy so everyone feels good, but when kids start getting pass grades just for daubing inky hand prints on exam papers you have to tighten shit up.

“It’s somewhat tough luck if you get caught up in that process, but otherwise in a few years’ time a lot of planes will be falling out of the sky and the role of teachers will be just to smoke cigarettes behind the ‘resources room’.”

A large delegation of protesting pupils with poor geography results accidentally ended up in Wakefield rather than London.

The group believed they were heading toward Downing Street, which at least three of them are aware is where the king lives.

Hobbs said: “Tell you what, I’ll give an instant English A grade to anyone who can tell me what a Wilfred Owen is.

“Nope. Thought not.”