THE disability benefits system will be replaced by medals for things like shutting up and getting on with it, it has emerged.
Ministers have hailed Paralympians for smashing the stereotyped view of the disabled as people who need money to do stuff.
Under the new Disability Medal Allowance system, financial support will be replaced by gold, silver, and bronze awards for not causing a fuss.
They will be awarded by Iain Duncan Smith at a weekly gala ceremony with free biscuits and disability-themed special guests like Bouncer from Neighbours, who looks like a guide dog.
A government spokesman said: “When you look at Paralympics heroes, they prove that disabled people – however debilitated they might seem – need true grit rather than money to achieve their goals, whether that’s winning a race or simply getting to work.
“Certainly they are not to be pitied. In fact, they’re pretty much all brilliant at basketball, have massive JCVD-style biceps, and would hate to be seen sponging.
“The more medals we win, the more it proves our – their – point.
“Gold – or at least gold-plated – medals are so much more gratifying than cash, and will really get the disabled off their arses.
“Metaphorically speaking, of course, I do appreciate that some of them have trouble standing up.”
38-year-old Stephen Malley said: “I tended to spunk my disability benefits on frivolous things like wheelchairs, which is basically the same as pissing it away in the pub, so this will really help me get my act together.”