DOLPHINS are vicious thugs spoiling for a fight with humanity, it has emerged.
Widely regarded as intelligent and spiritual animals who set a good example to man, researchers have discovered that they would happily set about a human in a pub car park if it were biologically possible.
Marine biologist Emma Bradford said: “They’re the Essex boys of the ocean.
“Our big breakthrough came when we realised that the thing where they raise themselves out of the water while swimming backwards meant ‘Come on then, you think you’re a hard man, plant one right there.’
“Their whistles are the equivalent of ‘Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi!’ and the clicks offer more than ninety thousand ways of asking who the fuck you think you’re looking at. They only swim with tourists to steal wallets and grope arses.”
Dolphin Wayne Hayes said: “We are the boys, we are the boys, we are the boys from the South China sea.
“We eat your cod and piss on your beach, we are the boys from the South China sea.”