Everyone to employ personal postmen

THE latest rise in postal rates is forcing many households to hire their own surly layabout.

The move comes as Royal Mail increased the price of stamps by the first number they could think of and then multiplied it by eight in a bid to mug old ladies inside the Post Office rather than letting strangers do it in the street.

Accountant Martin Bishop said: “It is now much cheaper to have my own live-in, stroppy back patient, although I do wish he’d vacate the toilet now and again.

“His name’s Roy. He’s 46 years old, he lives in the shed and he’s comfortably the most miserable 18 stone of malcontent that has ever strewn Boden catalogues across your front lawn.”

Meanwhile middle-class families are now driving round housing estates at night soliciting for young drug addicts to convey their mail back and forth in return for crack as it is now much cheaper than buying stamps.

Experts said the gnawing desire for class A substances ensures an efficient postal system and addicts have yet to form their own dreary trade union.

The success rate is also said to be higher than Royal Mail, even factoring in the amount of post opened by junkies on the off-chance a gas bill might have some smack in it.

Royal Mail insisted the price rise was necessary because everyone has started using emails just becuase they tend not to arrive two weeks late or be dumped into a skip because it is Friday.

Bishop added: “If I can get my hands on enough low-grade heroin I could turn the hostel at the end of the road into my own personal sorting office.”

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New festival aimed directly at twats

THE Magic Fox Vintage Smoothie Boutique Urban Forest Pop Up Chill Retreat is to be Britain’s first 100 percent twat-friendly festival.

As the festival-marketing season begins, the organisers of the new event claim to have concocted the ultimate pretentious weekend for utterly dreadful people.

Festival ‘curator’ Tom Logan said: “My friends and I wanted to create something for ourselves – a right bunch of wealthy jumped-up media twats with a ridiculous sense of entitlement and legions of horrible mop-headed children, all of whom are called Mungo.

“We would probably get punched at Latitude. Honestly, we’re that bad.

“Magic Fox Vintage Smoothie Boutique Urban Forest Pop Up Chill Retreat is a combination of all the most annoying, smug, po-faced aspects of festival culture into a smorgasbord of heavily-branded twatness.

“There will be deerstalker hats, depressingly nostalgic 90s dance acts – we’ll probably go with Faithless, who are now old enough to be considered ironic – and some fucking thing called The Mystic Dell.

“We’ve got people with moustaches playing gypsy jazz records on a gramophone while the Wombles perform a burlesque routine, stupid fucking food stalls where you can buy a ‘hand-raised’ pie with an infantile name, and luxury woodland play areas where horrible designer-clad infants can kick frogs while giggling.

“It will be a hybrid of Waitrose and The Wicker Man.

“Also there will be macaroon biscuits. And people wearing fox masks, just prancing around aimlessly.”

He added: “But the Magic Fox Vintage Smoothie Boutique Urban Forest Pop Up Chill Retreat isn’t just about twats. There’s also plenty for pricks, like a bicycle-power retro puppet eco-show that reworks Punch and Judy as an environmental fable.

“There will be stalls. We don’t know what they’ll be selling but everything will be a tenner.”

Music fan Emma Bradford said: “I’m going to spend that weekend in West London as it will have become temporarily pleasant.”