ANYTHING that makes you unhappy is a direct result of class war, it has been confirmed.
The ways in which you are being attacked because of your socio-economic status now include nasal hair, jerky movements and more than 18,000 different noises.
Julian Cook, from Stevenage, said: “I had to queue at the cinema on Saturday simply because I went to a private school.
“Everyone who works at Kings Way Cineworld is a vengeful Marxist.”
Martin Bishop, from Doncaster, added: “The sausage thing I bought from Greggs yesterday was not as good as the one I had last Friday. It made me feel powerless.
“But of course Greggs is owned by Benedict Cumberbatch and his fancy London friends.
“I am now going to hang a flag from my window using my big, dirty thumbs.”