BRITAIN’s cities are to be levelled and replaced with fancy flats for privileged idiots with rich parents.
Developers have bought the British Isles and secured permission to build several million deluxe student blocks with names like ‘Crash Pad’, ‘Live It’ and ‘Urban Zone’.
Anyone not enrolled at a university will be forced into cattle trucks, transported to the northernmost point of the UK and left to fight for survival on a windy outcrop.
A government spokesman said: “Students keep the UK afloat by tossing their parent’s cash around, so we’re just going to banish everyone else as they’re a drain on the economy.
“The only buildings not to be student housing will be dipshit cafes where students can use their brand new MacBooks to tweet about how mashed they were last night.”
Student Emma Bradford said: “My best friend has got major FOMO because she’s getting deported to the Isle of Unst, whilst I get to tart around learning whatever it is that my course is about.
“Of course the main thing is that I get a purpose-built studio flat with en suite shower room and a ping-pong table in the lobby. It’s good that my dad had that affair so I can guilt trip him into forking out.”