Exotic Japanese Girlfriend Wants Vauxhall Zafira

AROUND 63% of exotic Japanese girlfriends wear old socks in bed and insist their boyfriends buy a Vauxhall Zafira or Ford Focus C-Max, new research shows. 

Most will dress like schoolgirls in those incredibly sexy over the knee socks in their normal everyday life, but virtually none will keep the clothes on for bedroom sex fun.

Only three percent are skilled in Tantric sex or the arts of the Geisha, while all have vaginas which are virtually indistinguishable from those of western women.

Tom Logan, 35, a brand manager of Clerkenwell, London, said: "Obviously, I was curious. I’d heard they could do amazing things with their yin-yangs.

"It was nice being in there, don’t get me wrong, but if you blindfolded me and put me in a European one right after I’d be hard pressed to tell you which was which.”

Aya Kawasaki, Mr Logan’s ex-girlfriend, said she had been forced to finish with him because he insisted on keeping her used underwear in a vending machine in his hall.

She said: "Why can’t he put them through washing machine like is normal in Japan?

"He buy me set of ping pong balls and place pint glass at bottom of bed. What that about? I don’t even play tables tennis. I like watch Boston Legal and eat Milk Tray."

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Mugabe Must Go, Say Ricky And Bianca

ROBERT Mugabe no longer commands the support of the Zimbabwean people and must resign from office, Ricky and Bianca said last night.

The pair marked their much-anticipated return to Albert Square with a stern warning to the 84 year-old president that his time was up.

In an open letter to Mr Mugabe,  Bianca said: "Your once proud country, rich in both raw materials and human resources, has been brought to its knees by rampant hyper-inflation and the break down of the rule of law. Whossallthatabout?"

Ricky said: "I don't want nuffink more to do wiff ya, alright? It's finished, alright? I trusted you and you treated me like dirt. You better 'ope I never see your face again."

Meanwhile fans of the star-crossed pair have been given a tantalising insight into their story since leaving Walford six years ago.

Former car mechanic Ricky joined the Foreign Office before being seconded to the National Security Agency in Washington where he put together a series of memos urging President Bush to take bold action against Saddam Hussein.

In one scene, to be shown next week, he tells an angry Ian Beale: "I says to 'im 'you don't need no post invasion strategy mate, they'll welcome you like conquering 'eroes'."

Bianca, the ginger skank, drifted from one failed relationship to another, giving birth to three more children, before securing a position as strategic adviser to a large American bank.

It was there that she devised and implemented a policy of high interest home loans to millions of low income people with little or no credit history.

She will be seen in the back room of the Queen Vic telling an angry Ian Beale: "You over-borrowed against your assets. You got greedy dintcha?"
President Mugabe said last night: "I knew Ethel and Willy. I worked with Ethel and Willy. Ethel and Willy were friends of Mine. Ricky and Bianca, you are no Ethel and Willy."