Experts warn of toast sandwich envy

BRITAIN could soon be torn apart by toast sandwich envy, it has been claimed.

Experts said the ‘world’s cheapest meal’ will become so widespread that people who use slightly better bread will be plagued by sit-ins.

Martin Bishop, chief economist at Madeley Finnegan, said: “As society gradually breaks down over the next few months we will see more and more people comparing their toast sandwiches to the toast sandwiches of others.

“It will not be long before we see the emergence of an elite who can afford granary bread, either for the outsides or the middle.

“They may even be able to use butter instead of margarine. Not every day, but often enough for it to foment social unrest.

“Those people can expect a few angry tents outside their kitchen window.”

Protestor Stephen Malley said: “What about the people who burn their toast? Do they just get thrown on the scrap heap? With their own toast?”

Helen Archer, who has nothing but thin-sliced white bread, added: “I have invented the toasted toast sandwich.

“Unfortunately it’s not real. I just colour in some white bread with a crayon, but it makes my neighbours think I can still afford electricity.”


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Amount of alcohol thrown away by UK homes remains at zero

THE average British household is wasting no alcohol, according to new research.

Figures from the Institute for Studies showed that roughly 0% of the UK’s alcoholic liquid ends up in landfill, with even bottles of sickly foreign liqueur brought back from holiday getting drunk sooner or later.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Alcohol wastage in the UK is a matter of absolutely no concern.

“Indeed the only real issue arising from domestic drink disposal is bottle recycling, specifically how to conceal from your neighbours that your recycling box contains nothing but cheap wine bottles.

“I recommend keeping some empty olive oil containers in reserve so you can put them on the top, disguising the booze empties.”

Meanwhile, domestic food waste is down from 13% from three years ago, as Britons finally gave up on buying the non-pre-prepared items known as ‘ingredients’.

Nikki Hollis, from Stevenage, said: “Nowadays I even buy those pre-prepared Lazy Bastard brand jacket potatoes which come stuffed with cheese equivalent matter. I’m proud to say that the only things I throw away are plastic and cardboard.”

She added: “Supermarkets need to do their bit and stop throwing away carrots that look like cocks.”