Fear that young people's mortgages will outlast their student loans

THE under-30s are entering into mortgage agreements so long they will have paid off their student loans before the end of them, estimates suggest. 

Economists are concerned that 40-year mortgages mean a generation of graduates will be able to clear £60,000 burden of student debt before their houses are two-thirds paid for.

Professor Helen Archer of the LSE said: “The young need to stop trying to evade their responsibilities. Ultra-long mortages are shirking, plain and simple.

“Yes, they’re paying far more in the long-term, which helps the banks. Yes, the interest on a mortgage is far less than the six to eight per cent on student loans. But what about house prices?

“By squatting in the same £670,000 one-bed London flat for four decades, miserably servicing their debt, they condemn the rest of us to a moribund housing market. I’ve invested in property. Should I be happy with a pathetic 35 per cent return?”

28-year-old Lucy Parry said: “We’ll need to live until 70, work until 70, never split up and never have children, but we should clear our loans and have five mortgage-free years before the state take our home to pay for our care fees.

“This really is a miracle of a country. I wouldn’t live anywhere else. I can’t, the old people voted against it.”

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Body positivity over, be skinny with big tits again, women told

WOMEN have been informed that body positivity’s time has passed and being thin with large breasts is their new look. 

Messaging that women should embrace their flaws and natural bodies, along with enthusiasm for thiccness, has been declared outdated and all women should strive to have zero body fat except for on the chest, and immediately.

Human woman Donna Sheridan said: “Wow. For a few years there I almost felt like it might be acceptable to be me. Weird, I know.

“The trauma of every 00s magazine was fading, I was feeling good about myself and I was saving huge amounts of money not forcing myself into a body template I can never, ever fit. But that’s over. Thank you, Ozempic and Sydney Sweeney.

“Natural is back as a synonym for ‘wrong’, Instagram’s back promoting risky and extortionate surgery in Turkey, and Kim Kardashian’s crushing her internal organs in a corset. Everything’s normal again.

“I really appreciate the indirect reminders too. If I’m ever not thinking about how disgusting being size 14 is, I can walk into an Urban Outfitters where their standard mannequin’s waist is the same width as my right arm.

“The sun’s out and I can spend every waking moment wanting to hide while simultaneously wishing I had a double D pair I could expose to be stared at. Then next year they can tell me it’s all changed again. Brilliant.”