ENGLAND loves to include all the nations of the UK in its narrative of patriotic success, but dare piss off the Home Counties and you’ll be instantly disowned:
Andy Murray
Andy Murray’s sporting excellence is one of the few remaining things this country can be truly proud of, and his witty bluntness in interviews only sweetens the deal. Until he loses a single match, supports Scottish independence or gets injured, at which point he becomes the Auld Enemy and a miserable prick.
Charlotte Church
The voice of an angel, an English rose by proxy, and creepy obsession of The Sun between 2000-2006, everything about Charlotte Church has ‘beloved British institution’ written all over it, except for her Welshness. Now she’s gone political and not the good Tory kind she was a bloody Taff all along and we didn’t even fancy her anyway.
Kenneth Branagh
The finest Shakespearean actor of his generation. You know, from that Harry Potter film and those Poirot movies and when he wore a top hat to the Olympics. No other country produces thespians of his calibre. However he is from Belfast, so put a foot wrong and he’ll be outed as a key member of the Real IRA.
Michael Sheen
Michael Sheen’s gravelly Welsh lilt is ASMR for the nation. Brits can’t even drift off to sleep without the sound of his rugged accent droning away, doing a play or something. Until he uses that voice to suggest using Welsh names for Welsh mountains, because the English resent reminders of how they tried to make a language extinct.
King Charles III
Who could be more British than the King? The anointed-behind-a-screen monarch of our country is the definition of a Briton. His German lineage is only a trifling footnote in his life story, unless he tries blocking Boris Johnson’s resignation honours when GB News will call for his abdication, exile, hanging, drawing and quartering. F**king interfering Kraut.
