Five real reasons to turn down a wedding invite versus what you'll actually say

BEEN invited to a wedding? These are the honest reasons you cannot be bothered to go versus what you will actually say.

‘I don’t want to spend all that money’

What with travelling to the venue, staying the night and buying a present, wedding guests end up paying a high price for a party that could end in divorce. Some lifelong friends and their disappointing spouses-to-be just aren’t worth the expense, but you’ll actually tell them: ‘My other old school friend (who definitely exists) is getting married that exact same day!’

‘I can’t be arsed’

Sometimes you just don’t care for the married couple enough. Are they worth the faff of wedging your belly into uncomfortable clothes for? Or spending the day feeling hungry while trying to intercept canapés, and the evening feeling resentful when you find out it’s a pay bar? No. Say you’ve got a family emergency that day.

‘I won’t know anyone there’

Going to a wedding where you only know the happy couple means spending the dinner with two strangers’ backs turned towards you as they talk to people they already know. In fact your only chance of human interaction is awkwardly dancing on the fringes of pre-established friendship groups. Tell the bride and groom you are scheduled to be ill that weekend.

‘I’m single and I can’t f**king face it’

Going to a wedding single means you’ll be seated next to the only other single person. This is usually some distant family member the hosts felt obliged to invite even though they’re super f**king weird. Add to that the sight of the smug happy couple making speeches about how much they love each other and just say you’ve gone insane.

‘I still love you’

How dare your ex marry somebody else and be a big enough person to invite you along? F**k them with their kind heart and happy new relationship. Whatever you do, don’t tell them how you feel. Instead do the responsible thing and say you’ll be away the week of the wedding on a yacht with your new billionaire boyfriend.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Man contemplates suffering of Jesus Christ while eating Creme Egg

A MAN is reflecting on the death and resurrection of the son of God by eating a Creme Egg, it has emerged.

As Easter gets underway, Roy Hobbs is taking a moment to dutifully remember the brutal crucifixion of Jesus Christ by biting into a popular egg-shaped chocolate filled with white and yellow fondant.

He said: “A lot of people forget that Easter is partly about how Jesus was persecuted and put to death for being a prophet. It’s a pretty important event in the Christian calendar which deserves to be treated with respect.

“That’s why I always take a moment to think about the sacrifice of our Lord as I indulge in a mouthful of sweet, sugary Creme Egg goodness. By following his example I don’t get drawn in by the commercialised temptations of the Easter holidays.

“And let’s not forget that on the third day Jesus rose again. Which is almost as miraculous as the syrupy centre of this delicious Cadbury’s treat. It’s a shame he died thousands of years before they hit the shelves, really.”

Reaching for the next Creme Egg in his huge stockpile, Hobbs added: “They make them with white chocolate now as well, you know. Jesus would’ve f**king loved that.”