For Christ’s Sake Don’t Behave Like British People, Immigrants Told

IMMIGRANTS should avoid acting like British people and behave like Scandinavians instead, according to new government advice packs for foreigners. 

Less like Andy Murray, more like Bjorn Borg

New arrivals should not spit at their local shopkeeper, keep a pit-bull in a cage in their backyard and poke it all the time with a stick, or arm their children with guns.

But they should enjoy crayfish and vodka parties, and develop a healthy attitude towards nudity and the screening of hardcore pornography in church.

Communities secretary Hazel Blears said Britain had a proud tradition of welcoming new arrivals from overseas to clean its toilets.

She said: “This country is already chock full of the most ghastly, ill-mannered bastards.

“We want the next generation of British lavatory cleaners to carry themselves with the confidence and charm of a Dane.

“This advice pack will help the swarthy hoardes to become polite, friendly, educated, considerate, liberal and preferably tall with blonde hair, blue eyes and fantastic pop music.”

Blears also set out five basic rules that foreigners must follow if they wish to be accepted as British citizens:

  • Don’t chuck your dead gypsy horse in the bin

  • Don’t threaten to behead people for reading the Independent

  • When a policeman places his knee on your sternum, remember to say 'thank you' before he shoots you in the face

  • If you want to feel-up strange women without fear of prosecution, move to Newcastle

  • Don’t blow yourself up on the train