'For Christ's sake, stop talking like that' say babies

BRITAIN’S babies have pleaded with the rest of the population to stop talking like that.

The angry babies have condemned gurgles, whistles, pet names, and replacing the letter ‘r’ with ‘w’.

Baby Wayne Hayes said: “There is absolutely no need for anyone to affect a ‘stupid wittle voice’ when asking me if I enjoyed my meal. Of course I enjoyed it. It’s all over my face.

“I’ve heard of people talking to babies in a French accent. I’ve heard of people calling organic stewed prunes ‘yummy baby goop’.

“We’re babies. We’re not f**king stupid.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “If you all talked to your children normally maybe their first words would be something interesting and not a barely formed ‘dadda’.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

What does your hangover pizza say about you?

IF there’s one thing our divided nation can agree on, it’s getting hammered on Friday and treating the resulting hangover with judiciously applied pizza the next day.

But what does your choice say about you?

Deliveroo from proper restaurant

Choosing the refined option likely means your hangover results from a complex Merlot or craft ales from from a micro-brewery. You’ve showered, may even be dressed, and will watch a subtitled film before giving up and falling asleep beneath the Culture section of the Times.

Pizza Express

Pizza Express delivery? You’re a down-the-line middle-class hangover sufferer fortifying yourself with extra dough balls before spending the afternoon with Downton Abbey. Supermarket Pizza Express? You’re a thrifty forward planner with a bargain hangover caused by a litre of Vanilla Smirnoff on 40 per cent discount from Asda.


Today’s hangover came with a large side-order of self-loathing and you need to be punished. You’ll take your pizza in bed, along with chips, Coke and six chocolate fudge brownies, before slumping asleep in front of a sticky laptop showing Friends with porn looping in another tab.

Corner shop

You’re either a student or still drunk but regardless you are in many ways the bravest of them all. You’ve left the house, interacted with a human and are killing your usual hangover with a vaguely Italian name, microscopic amounts of cheese and cuts to the roof of your mouth. You will be drunk again before nightfall.