Middle class man thinks he’s an expert on street crime

A MIDDLE class man is weirdly knowledgeable about contemporary gang life, people have noticed.

Friends of Norman Steele are puzzled and slightly disturbed by his familiarity with gang weapons and tactics due to him being a 44-year-old accountant who owns a bread maker.

Colleague Stephen Malley said: “Norman’s full of weird information such as ‘a favoured weapon is the MAC-10 machine gun but it is notoriously difficult to control’.

“Some of it’s quite gruesome, like ‘a popular non-fatal gang punishment is stabbing someone in the buttocks’. I’m sure only actual gang members know this stuff.

“Unfortunately he appears to be picking up the lingo too. Yesterday he said he’d completed a ‘bare’ spreadsheet, and was going home to his ‘ends’, which is a large detached house with an ornamental pond.

“He’s clearly developed a vicarious interest in street crime because he’s a Guardian reader from Cheltenham looking for cheap thrills. Unless he’s moonlighting as a Yardie.”

Steele said: “Has Stephen got beef with me? I could merk his pussy ass but I’ll probably just ‘lose’ his favourite stapler.”