Middle class man thinks he's an expert on street crime

A MIDDLE class man is weirdly knowledgeable about contemporary gang life, people have noticed.

Friends of Norman Steele are puzzled and slightly disturbed by his familiarity with gang weapons and tactics due to him being a 44-year-old accountant who owns a bread maker.

Colleague Stephen Malley said: “Norman’s full of weird information such as ‘a favoured weapon is the MAC-10 machine gun but it is notoriously difficult to control’.

“Some of it’s quite gruesome, like ‘a popular non-fatal gang punishment is stabbing someone in the buttocks’. I’m sure only actual gang members know this stuff.

“Unfortunately he appears to be picking up the lingo too. Yesterday he said he’d completed a ‘bare’ spreadsheet, and was going home to his ‘ends’, which is a large detached house with an ornamental pond.

“He’s clearly developed a vicarious interest in street crime because he’s a Guardian reader from Cheltenham looking for cheap thrills. Unless he’s moonlighting as a Yardie.”

Steele said: “Has Stephen got beef with me? I could merk his pussy ass but I’ll probably just ‘lose’ his favourite stapler.”

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Five new dating trends to make you think 'F**k it, I'll stay single'

ARE you new to the dating scene? Here are some freakish dating behaviours you’ll encounter in our weird modern world.


Has your date abruptly stopped replying to texts, calls and emails as if you don’t exist? This is ‘ghosting’. It’s disturbing, but on the bright side you’ve avoided getting married to someone with the social skills of Norman Bates.

Do check you’ve definitely been ghosted. They might be dead and you’ve been slagging them off to all your friends. You arsehole.  


When someone doesn’t actually want to meet you, they just want to send you flirty texts while eating a ham baguette in their dressing gown. Can be a great relationship if you’re a really lazy bastard.


If someone takes five days to reply to your text, you have been ‘curved’. They’re not really into you, but they’re keeping you on the back burner in case no one better comes along.

This is excellent if you like the excitement of wondering if your ‘partner’ is going to call you within the next month. Probably best to just key their car and calmly move on.


When someone has rejected you but keeps an eye on your social media posts in case you start to look a bit hotter. Fill your Facebook page with mindbendingly tedious crap like going to Asda so at least they’ll be bored shitless.


When someone threatens to end the relationship but takes three years to actually go. Even then they won’t split up properly and will keep popping round to use your toilet and ask if you want a shag.