Free Palestine march is left-wing family's day out

A LEFT-WING family are off for a lovely day out at their local Free Palestine march.

The Cook family of Bristol have packed a lunch, including the children’s favourite hummus and carrot sticks, for the day out marching to call for a ceasefire and a two-state solution.

Jeanette Cook said: “We did want to travel to London, but it’s so difficult with Galen’s youth orchestra being on a Saturday morning. So much handier to have a march nearby.

“We’re putting on our North Face because wouldn’t you know it, it’s raining – probably caused by the globalist new world order – and we’ll be banging drums and singing that nice song about rivers and seas that’s all the rage these days.

“It’s promising to be a marvellous social occasion. The girls’ friends Poppy and Elver are coming, my yoga teacher’s said she’ll be there, and there are rumours of an acoustic Idles gig, so it’s not all politics politics politics!

“It should be a really delightful day. We don’t get enough of them. It’s been years since Black Lives Matter pulled that statue down while we practised our watercolours.”

Resident Steve Malley said: “Braverman was right. This crowd is really f**king offensive.”

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Where the f**k is the toaster? A fun game for houseguests

STAYING at someone else’s house and trying to find the toaster? These are the places you will look as your sanity slowly unravels.

Under the kitchen counter

It would make sense to store the toaster beneath where all the food is prepared. Alongside all the other devices like the blender and the electric whisk. Maybe your host has got one of those massive four-slice toasters that would take up too much room if they left it out all the time. Apparently not, but where else could it possibly be?

By the bread bin

It doesn’t get more logical than this. Bread is put in toasters, so any sane person would position a toaster by a bread bin. Perhaps they’re so weirdly organised they store the toaster in the bread bin? Alas not. The tiresome journey continues.

In with the plates

It would be a bit weird, but you could sort of see the logic. Toasters do produce a lot of crumbs, so keeping it next to the plates isn’t an entirely bad idea. And having already rummaged through everywhere else, you only have three plate cupboards left to search through. After that you’re onto the washing machine.

On top of the fridge

Butter is always spread on toast, and butter is kept in the fridge. So by that masterful process of elimination, the toaster must, must be on top of the fridge. You can plainly see that it isn’t, but that won’t stop you from triple checking as your tears start to well up. You just want an easy snack.


Okay, think like an insane homeowner. If you were in their position, where would you keep the toaster? By the boiler? Wherever the f**k they store the iron? You could just ask them by text but this has become a matter of pride now. Plus they might suspect it was you who frantically ripped up the floorboards in case it was under there.