Friend-with-benefits votes to reduce benefits

A WOMAN has announced a unilateral reduction in benefits for her casual sexual partner.

Joanna Kramer, from Salisbury, has decided to slash the benefits previously available to Nathan Muir, including acrobatic sexual liaisons, drunken fumbles in the back of a taxi, and the right to keep a toothbrush at her flat.

Kramer said: “Booty calls will be phased out over the next six to eight weeks, with a final session of ‘Netflix and chill’ scheduled for three months’ time.

“I appreciate that Nathan is bitterly opposed to these cuts, but in the current climate, we all have to make tough choices.”

In response Muir denied that the sexual cutbacks were necessary, and accused Kramer of pursuing a ‘personal agenda’.

He said: “She is ignoring the well-founded objections of the people who will be hit hardest by them, namely me.

“I have drafted an alternative strategy which foresees a 300 percent increase in spending all Saturday in bed.

“We’re all in this together, Joanna. Please, Joanna. Please.”

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Hercules the Lion resigns as Villa mascot

HERCULES The Lion will step down as Aston Villa’s mascot following the club’s relegation.

The 37-year-old big cat will depart at the end of the season amid rumours he is to be replaced by former Villa manager Paul Lambert.

Once dubbed ‘The Pele of being ignored during half time entertainment’ by mascot legend Goonersaurus, Hercules has made over 600 appearances for Villa since his debut in 1996.

Hercules said: “I’m no longer fit to wear the odd-looking, outsized jersey and wander up and down the touchline scaring toddlers and having chips thrown at me.

“I want to thank the board for giving me the opportunity to look a bit odd during minutes silences and join in on the rare occasions the team actually scored a goal. I understand that the club needs to rebuild with a new mascot who has some fresh ideas.”

Hercules has been praised for his loyalty to Villa despite a bid by the Longleat Safari Park gift shop and an offer to join The Lion King On Ice.