Friend-with-benefits votes to reduce benefits

A WOMAN has announced a unilateral reduction in benefits for her casual sexual partner.

Joanna Kramer, from Salisbury, has decided to slash the benefits previously available to Nathan Muir, including acrobatic sexual liaisons, drunken fumbles in the back of a taxi, and the right to keep a toothbrush at her flat.

Kramer said: “Booty calls will be phased out over the next six to eight weeks, with a final session of ‘Netflix and chill’ scheduled for June.

“I appreciate that Nathan is bitterly opposed to these cuts, but in the current climate, we all have to make tough choices.”

In response Muir denied that the sexual cutbacks were necessary, and accused Kramer of pursuing a ‘personal agenda’.

He said: “She is ignoring the well-founded objections of the people who will be hit hardest by them, namely me.

“I have drafted an alternative strategy which foresees a 300 percent increase in spending all Saturday in bed.

“We’re all in this together, Joanna. Please, Joanna. Please.”