Fun not achievable in adulthood

FUN for adults is a myth, it has emerged.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies observed a number of grown-up ‘fun’ events for evidence of gay abandon.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “When observing supposedly light-hearted adult activities like go-karting and paintball, we found that the participants were either not remotely interested or desperately trying to win.

“Social gatherings like 40th birthday parties begin awkwardly, descend into boasting competitions and then peter out when guests go home to slag each other off.

“Nightclubs are the least enjoyable of all, being simultaneously terrifying and dull.”

Professor Brubaker also highlighted dance workshops, fancy dress and Christmas as further evidence of adults’ fruitless pursuit of fun.

He said: “What’s interesting is that virtually everyone participating in these events will claim to have had fun, until you sit them down, look them in the eye, and ask them why they liked it.

“When you’re a kid virtually everything has ‘fun value’, even just flicking a beetle can make you completely immersed in pleasure.

“As soon as you hit 21 your fun capacity begins to wither. By 35 it is utterly dead and no amount of juggling, facial hair and ‘gadget shop’ products can revive it.

“By that point the best thing is just to stay away from everyone.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Eastenders now fully interactive

THE makers of EastEnders are willing to incorporate any viewer suggestions, however absurd or immoral.

Producers are asking viewers to text in during the show with ideas for things they would like to see, irrespective of taste and decency.

Executive producer Denys Finch Hatton said: “Nothing is off the table.

“If viewers want to see hardcore sex scenes between Kat and Alfie Moon, we’ll give it a go.

“Having something bad happen to Ian Beale usually perks the ratings up, so perhaps you’d like to see him get mangled in some machinery, or maybe tortured in a gimp’s dungeon like in Pulp Fiction?

“Or maybe people would like to have a live interactive bingo game with cash prizes in the middle of each episode. I think that would be a natural fit with EastEnders viewers.

“If all else fails, we’ll sustain ratings by getting homeless people to watch in return for hot soup.”

EastEnders viewer Wayne Hayes said: “It’s thanks to me that a family of cybermen has moved into Albert Square.

“And my mate Ryan said the Vic should come under siege from dinosaurs and topless Amazonian warriors, so that’s in the Halloween special.”

Finch Hatton added: “Obviously there are legal limitations on what we can do, so we can’t have the Masood family possessed by the spirits of historical East End murderers then do actual crimes.

“Well maybe we could muster up some evil spirits, but the murder parts would need to be fake.”