HAVING a minimum GCSE requirement for getting into university unfairly penalises children who discover getting shitfaced on Frosty Jack’s before the age of 16, it has been claimed.
After the government outlined plans to refuse loans to students who fail maths and English GCSEs, social mobility experts say young people who got a head start on staying out late drinking and snogging will be hit hardest.
Education expert Joanna Kramer said: “Children develop at different rates, which means that some are necking cheap cider and getting to second base on park benches while others are sitting at home revising like saddoes.
“The cool kids who f**k up their GCSEs because they were having clumsy sexual encounters and vomiting in hedges will be condemned to failure. And we need those kids to go to university, because otherwise it’s just spods playing online strategy games and weird, twee middle class girls.
“It’s not the cool kids’ fault. Many come from homes where trigonometry and glacier snouts just aren’t valued as much as being well-adjusted and happy.”
15-year-old Jack Browne said: “Who cares? My plan is to get drunk, shag around and then get an apprenticeship as a plumber.
“I’ll be making £30,000 a year before I’m 20. Suck on that, GCSE wankers.”