GCSE requirement for university penalises kids who get into drunken snogging early

HAVING a minimum GCSE requirement for getting into university unfairly penalises children who discover getting shitfaced on Frosty Jack’s before the age of 16, it has been claimed.

After the government outlined plans to refuse loans to students who fail maths and English GCSEs, social mobility experts say young people who got a head start on staying out late drinking and snogging will be hit hardest.

Education expert Joanna Kramer said: “Children develop at different rates, which means that some are necking cheap cider and getting to second base on park benches while others are sitting at home revising like saddoes.

“The cool kids who f**k up their GCSEs because they were having clumsy sexual encounters and vomiting in hedges will be condemned to failure. And we need those kids to go to university, because otherwise it’s just spods playing online strategy games and weird, twee middle class girls.

“It’s not the cool kids’ fault. Many come from homes where trigonometry and glacier snouts just aren’t valued as much as being well-adjusted and happy.” 

15-year-old Jack Browne said: “Who cares? My plan is to get drunk, shag around and then get an apprenticeship as a plumber.

“I’ll be making £30,000 a year before I’m 20. Suck on that, GCSE wankers.”

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Five earworms you'll have stuck in your head thanks to clicking this story

THERE are earworms so powerful that they begin playing on loop in your head simply by reading their names. Find out which: 

Cotton Eye Joe by Rednex, 1995

A cash-in to the line-dancing craze then sweeping the world that killed the line-dancing craze sweeping the world, Cotton Eye Joe is a terrifying glimpse of life in the Deep South by way of Swedes doing a Eurodance makeover. You are already hearing it. Somewhere in the deepest recesses of your hypothalamus it never stopped.

Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen, 2011

The artist involved made a valiant effort not to be a one-hit wonder. But when your song has a hook this weaponised it will inevitably be all anyone knows you and hates you for. You’re humming this song already, as is someone who just walked past, and by 4pm it will have been transmitted to 40,000 people.

Baby Shark by Pinkfong, 2016

Has been watched on YouTube more than ten billion times. There are fewer than eight billion people on Earth. Do the maths; Baby Shark is more successful than humanity. Not many songs can put ‘used to psychologically torture prisoners in an Oklahoma jail!’ on the cover. This can.

The Great Escape theme by Elmer Bernstein, 1963

Whistled by office workers trapped in a nine-to-five who dreams of forming an escape committee, doing pommel horse exercises in the staff canteen while colleagues tunnel out, and dribbling soil out of their trousers as they nonchalantly walk to and from the office printer. This will now be playing all day in your mind, even tonight as you fall asleep.

Barbie Girl by Aqua, 1997

Another Scandinavian pop horror worldwide hit, fondly remembered by a generation of adolescent boys who fancied lead singer Lene Nystrom and ignored the bit where her arm falls off. The lyrics ‘kiss me here, touch me there, hanky panky’ are never forgotten once heard, and in 2048 will be the last thing that goes through your mind before you die.