Gilet wearer admits his arms have been cold for years

A LONG-TERM gilet wearer has admitted that his arms are often very cold.


Roy Hobbs has been parading around in a green quilted gilet in all seasons, insisting that he doesn’t ‘need’ sleeves in the face of rain, wind or snow.

Hobbs said: “Football matches were cold but I didn’t want to look like some sleeve-owning wimp so I stuck it out.

“The payoff to freezing your nuts off is that you look hard as fuck, but I’ve realised it’s just not worth it. It’s a relief to have accepted that I feel the cold like every other human.

“Gilets may look awesome but they’re basically half-built coats and that makes no sense.”

Designed to warm the thorax while chilling the wearer’s arms to icy buggery, the gilet remains a firm favourite with men who want to give the impression their arms are too ripped to be contained by an outer layer of sleeve.

Hobbs’ partner Mary Fisher said: “He’s actually not Jason Statham and the anorak I’ve ordered for him from Peter Storm will prove that”.

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Going home much better than going big

GOING home is considerably better than going big, experts have confirmed.

After extensive analysis, researchers from the Institute of Studies found that going big offered, at best, very short-term benefits.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Think about home. That’s the warm, cosy place where your sofa and blankets are, not to mention your TV and your food and drink.

“Now think about ‘going big’. It can take a variety of forms, but almost all of them involve spending your money, having your personal space invaded and dealing with the unrelenting dickishness of other humans.”

Some sceptics have opposed the findings, claiming that those who opt not to go big are ‘nerds’ and ‘boring bastards’.

Brubaker responded: “I couldn’t give a shit. Going out is awful. I’m off to watch nature documentaries and eat garlic bread.”