Government to build 200,000 starter shitholes

MINISTERS have confirmed plans to build affordable shithole houses across the UK.

Over 200,000 shitholes will be constructed this year, 142,000 of which will fall down with six months.

A government spokesman said: “We’re really flinging these things up, we’re cutting a few corners along the way but then who needs a roof when the weather will probably be okay for a bit now.

“The building firms are getting paid so that’s the main thing.”

Homebuyer Susan Traherne said: “We bought a two-bed semi on a new estate called ‘Countrydale’.

“It looked lovely in the pictures but when we moved in we found it had no windows and every room was a bathroom. It’s like one of those trippy Escher pictures where you can’t tell up from down.”

The government spokesman added: “It’s a house and it’s under a quarter of a million. Do you want fucking jam on it?”

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American right-wingers fine about woman having relationship with hideous buffalo thing

RIGHT-WINGERS in the US are totally fine with a young woman being in a relationship with some sort of hideous buffalo man, they have confirmed.

Cinemagoers in America are threatening to boycott Disney’s Beauty and The Beast because it features a gay character, although they have no problem with the human main character’s romance with something that has fur and horns.

Iowa-based Norman Steele said: “I don’t want my kids seeing a man kissing another man and thinking it’s normal.

A woman falling in love with some sort of hideous beast that can somehow speak perfect English, on the other hand, is totally fine.

That kind of shit’s probably in the Bible.”

He added: “I’m also fine with them watching Pinocchio too despite the fact it’s actually pretty terrifying.

Though I don’t know why Gepetto didn’t try to get a woman pregnant instead of trying to make a kid out of wood. It’s bit like Frankenstein when you think about it.”