ARMED Scouts with kevlar woggles are the future of riot control, the government has confirmed.
With civil disobedience on the increase and police facing cutbacks, ministers believe ‘riot scouts’ aged 8-13 could provide an economical alternative to the Territorial Support Group.
A Home Office spokesman said: “They will be working alongside riot police, mainly using black widow catapults firing non-lethal rubber ball bearings, also using their small stature to sneak up to people and punch them in the nuts.
“Of course there’s a risk involved, crowd control situations can be dangerous, especially if you’re wearing shorts.
“But not only is this a great opportunity for scouts to help their local community, the only expense for the taxpayer is merit badges, squash and digestive biscuits.
“And remember these are the tough, older boys. Not beavers or anything. Although beavers could be good for intelligence gathering.”
Riot scouts were recently deployed at a student demonstration in Leeds, where five protesters were controversially left with semi-permanent ball bearing injuries.
Cub scout Stephen Malley said: “I got my kettling badge and also my destroying evidence badge, for smashing a camera.
“There was lots of smoke and running around. Akela was shouting orders but he got hit by something that looked like a brick and went to sleep with some blood coming out of his ear.
“Roy, who is 13 and a rover scout, said ‘Akela’s down!’ I was determined to avenge him.
“Everyone was scared and started running around but then I made a fire under a bus and it blew up which frightened the people who were fighting us into running away.
“Overall it was a fun day and I learned that students must be culled like sheep.”