Government to deploy riot scouts

ARMED Scouts with kevlar woggles are the future of riot control, the government has confirmed.

With civil disobedience on the increase and police facing cutbacks, ministers believe ‘riot scouts’ aged 8-13 could provide an economical alternative to the Territorial Support Group.

A Home Office spokesman said: “They will be working alongside riot police, mainly using black widow catapults firing non-lethal rubber ball bearings, also using their small stature to sneak up to people and punch them in the nuts.

“Of course there’s a risk involved, crowd control situations can be dangerous, especially if you’re wearing shorts.

“But not only is this a great opportunity for scouts to help their local community, the only expense for the taxpayer is merit badges, squash and digestive biscuits.

“And remember these are the tough, older boys. Not beavers or anything. Although beavers could be good for intelligence gathering.”

Riot scouts were recently deployed at a student demonstration in Leeds, where five protesters were controversially left with semi-permanent ball bearing injuries.

Cub scout Stephen Malley said: “I got my kettling badge and also my destroying evidence badge, for smashing a camera.

“There was lots of smoke and running around. Akela was shouting orders but he got hit by something that looked like a brick and went to sleep with some blood coming out of his ear.

“Roy, who is 13 and a rover scout, said ‘Akela’s down!’ I was determined to avenge him.

“Everyone was scared and started running around but then I made a fire under a bus and it blew up which frightened the people who were fighting us into running away.

“Overall it was a fun day and I learned that students must be culled like sheep.”



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Ed Balls to be on television every day

A POLICE protection officer has been suspended after destroying Britain’s relationship with not having to look at Ed Balls.

Detective constable Paul Rice is understood to be devastated, insisting he had no idea his affair with Alan Johnson’s wife would have such catastrophically nauseating consequences.

Rice had been assigned to Johnson when he was home secretary, but Johnson had tried to keep the protection officer when he became shadow chancellor as Rice knows far more about economics.

A source said: “If he could have had an affair with Ed Balls’ wife he would have. But he’s not really into 13 year-old boys.”

Johnson resigned yesterday allowing Labour leader Ed Miliband to fill your television screens day after day with the man tipped widely to succeed Harriet Harman as the worst person who has ever existed.

Miliband said: “I am sorry to see Alan go. He had just discovered how many fives there are in 50. But it does now mean we can have a shadow cabinet made up solely of freaks.

“Ed, his lovely ‘wife’, Liam Weird, Jim the Experiment and in Douglas Alexander it means for the first time in British history the shadow foreign secretary is an annoying pre-teen lesbian.”

Miliband believes his shadow cabinet can now out-freak a government that includes some of Britain’s creepiest teenage boys, one of whom is ginger and Scottish.

Tom Logan, professor of politics at Reading University, said: “Osborne versus Balls. Squeaking at each other. On telly. Every day.

“Paul Rice is such a fucking dick.”