Greasy spoon unsure whether it is ironic

A CAFE that serves cheap food to hungover hipsters can’t figure out if it is incredibly cool or just convenient.

Betty’s Cafe, in Leytonstone, has seen an influx of young people every weekend, leaving regulars and staff confused as to whether it is being enjoyed ironically or is simply an easy method of ingesting carbohydrates and grease.

Waitress Nikki Hollis said: “We know they consider themselves fashionable because they’re dressed like down-at-heel Amish people, but we don’t know why they’re here.

“Are they having an immersive experience of working class heritage, or is Zone 4 the only place their parents can afford to buy them a house?

“Are they ordering plates of chips, bacon and beans so they can take photos and add vintage filters, or are they too lazy to make their own breakfast?

“Do they think the rubbery eggs cooked in an oddly perfect circle are delicious or are they inspiration for a logo for a website about keeping hens in your urban allotment? Who knows?”

82-year old cook Betty said: “Sometimes when I’m making a bacon sandwich I ask myself if it’s the pinnacle of postmodern retro-ironic cuisine.

“Then I remember I can’t afford to retire in the place I grew up and have a little cry.”    

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Seemingly normal couple into board games

AN OUTWARDLY normal couple are into board games about farming and diseases.

Emma Bradford and Tom Logan revealed their bizarre fetish for moving colourful counters around after inviting friends over for dinner.

Bradford’s workmate Nikki Hollis said: “We’d had a nice normal evening and were just enjoying some cheesecake when Tom asked if we were up for a bit of ‘Settlers’.

“I thought this was just a word for something socially acceptable like group sex, but then he pulls out this board game about a place called Catan which is apparently made of hexagons.

“He started explaining how it was based on trading grain and ore to expand your colony. I thought ‘we have to get the fuck out of here’.

“I pretended to need the toilet and escaped through the window.”

However Tom Logan said: “It is now cool to like complicated board games. Take Pandemic for example, a turns-based game where players collaborate to prevent the spread of a virus by co-ordinating scientific resources. Sounds great, right?

“Pop round for a game, it only takes about half a day.”