Grey jumper counts as Christmas jumper, claims man

A MAN has argued that his grey jumper counts as a Christmas jumper because that is what Christmas feels like. 

48-year-old Norman Steele’s jumper, bought from a shop that also sells tools and work clothing, was deliberately chosen as his heartfelt response to the festive season.

He continued: “It is the grey of an EastEnders Christmas Day special in which a terrible crime is committed and three marriages break down.

“It is the grey of turkey legs still uneaten in the fridge after three days because it is one of the less pleasant meats but we insist on building a day around it. 

“In its terrible, resplendent grey, this jumper is the most Christmassy of all.”

Co-worker Susan Traherne said: “My jumper has lights on and plays a joyful tune. 

“I thought that was Christmassy, because I always forget what it’s really like.”

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Mums’ arms dangerously overloaded with Pandora bracelets

AN EPIDEMIC of Pandora bracelets is pushing women’s arms to breaking point, doctors have warned.

With many relatives drawing a blank on Christmas gift ideas, it is expected the average mum will receive up to eight kilos of the popular wrist adornments, leading to a condition experts are calling ‘charm-arm’.

Doctor Roy Hobbs said: “Heavy charm bracelet wearers typically have one massive forearm like Hellboy. The muscle over-development is such that they often accidentally punch through walls.

“Last week I saw multiple fractures on a woman who became trapped under her charm-arm after attempting to signal full house at bingo.

“She was wearing so many of those things it looked like she was part robot.”

Retired headmistress, Margaret Gerving, denied the charms were a problem: “Down the golf club, we’ve had to have our blazers altered to accommodate our formidable charms.

“Like with those tribal ladies who stretch their necks with brass rings, a thick Pandora-clad arm has become a mark of power and status among our community.”