Grim-faced people in angry meeting because of stupid boat name

ADULTS are violently arguing in an office this morning because of the public’s decision to give a boat a stupid name.

Staff at the National Environment Research Council are at their lowest ebb after an online poll to name one of its vessels produced the winner Boaty McBoatface.

Managing director Tom Logan grabbed marketing manager Roy Hobbs by the collar and pinned him against the wall, shouting: “This is all your fucking fault, you weren’t supposed to let them come up with the names. We were going to give them a list of names, you absolute fucking tit.”

Hobbs replied: “It was only supposed to be a bit of fun. Look on the bright side, it’s encouraged thousands of people to engage with science.

“You’re hurting my throat.”

Logan said: “They don’t even know what this boat is doing, it could be delivered nuclear warheads to ISIS for all they care. They just like taking the piss out of things because they are idiots.”

Scientist Mary Fisher, who had been sitting at the boardroom table anxiously chewing a pencil, put her hand on Tom Logan’s arm. She said: “Maybe Boaty McBoatface isn’t that bad a name. Remember the other suggestions included Huge Dog Penis and Tits Bucket.”

Logan responded by letting go of Hobbs’s collar and punching the wall.

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Duchess creates ‘new memories’ for William’s ex-girlfriends

A POIGNANT photo at the Taj Mahal has given the Duchess of Cambridge a fresh opportunity to tell her husband’s exes to eat it.

The Duchess said the image would be ‘something else for them to remember’ in 30 years’ time, when they are not the Queen and she is.

Kate sent the photo to William’s teenage sweetheart, Jecca Craig, with a note saying: “Oh look, who’s this being as iconic as fuck? It’s definitely not you, you stupid hippy.”

To Tess Shepherd, who was pictured with William during the couple’s brief split in 2007, she wrote: “Yet another massive defeat for the forces of skankery.

“Have a nice day not being on holiday with a prince. Eat that, you minger.”

And to Isabella Calthorpe, once regarded as William’s favourite, she wrote: “Not so common now, am I? Taj fucking Mahal. The Big One.”

She added: “YOU ARE AN ARSE!”