Hellish Journey To Job You Despise To Cost More Money Than Ever

THE horrific, soul-destroying journey you make every morning to the job that makes you want to die will soon cost a record breaking amount of money.

Something called the AA said that by the end of the week the price of turning the only life you have into an empty, meaningless process of breathing in and out, interspersed with the joyless consumption of shaped meat will reach a new high of £1.20 a litre.

The AA said you would be angry about it because the price of the thing they use to make the stuff that goes into the machine you use to get to the place you hate had gone down, in what you described as a spectacular example of completely missing the point.

Tom Logan, who endures roughly 220 minutes of hell a day between Grantham and Peterborough so that he can do something that does not involve music or art or spaceships, said: "What do I care about the price of the thing they use to make the stuff?

"I don't want to be here. Do you understand that? If the price of the thing was linked to the price of the stuff would I be able to spend all day designing spaceships, playing the bongos and baking lovely pies in the comfort of my own shed? I suspected as much.

"So instead of spaceships and bongos and pies I'll be spending slightly longer at my desk so that I can continue to afford the journey to get to my desk.

"You see, on the one hand you're asking me whether something must be done about the price of the thing in relation to the price of the stuff and on the other hand I'm saying that everything about the way we live our lives is completely and utterly wrong in every conceivable way."

He added: "I'm not even sure what I do here. I think it might be something to do with mobile phone tariffs."


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Call Us 'Deplorable', Union Orders Brown

BRITAIN'S biggest trade union today ordered Gordon Brown to describe it as 'deplorable'.

As Unite stepped up its plans for a British Airways strike that will ground dozens of flights and potentially cripple the company, the union told the prime minister to be absolutely appalled by its actions.

Downing Street sources confirmed Mr Brown had telephoned Unite general secretary Tony Woodley on Sunday to ask for instructions and money and that Mr Woodley had set out his plans for the prime minister to look very angry and use the word 'unjustified'.

A senior source said: "Mr Woodley ordered the prime minister to come across as being really genuine and say that a strike was not in the national interest and call on both sides to return to the negotiating table.

"When he had been given permission to speak, the prime minster said that if they worked it just right they could make it look as if he had stood up to the unions, averted the strike and saved everyone's Easter holidays.

"Mr Woodley then said that if Mr Brown wanted to pretend that it was his idea then fair enough, but that they both know who the bitch is in this relationship."

Industrial relations consultant Nathan Muir said: "The union sees it as a win-win. If the strike goes ahead then Unite gets to fulfill its lifelong ambition of destroying Margaret Thatcher's favourite airline.

"If the strike is called off then Brown gets the credit, it improves Labour's election chances and they all continue with their plan to turn Britain into a slightly bleaker and less charming version of North Korea."

Meanwhile Mr Brown has insisted that if Labour loses the general election he intends to build a replica of Number 10 in the back garden of his constituency home and indulge in a series of poisonous, damaging feuds with a selection of local cats.