Friday, 14th May 2021

How to celebrate St George's Day if you absolutely must

DETERMINED to celebrate St George’s Day even though you can’t explain why or what it all means? Here’s how to honour our Greek or maybe Palestinian national saint.

Only wave a little flag

Flags are becoming increasingly problematic symbols, so you’ll want to go for one of those little ones you put on sandcastles. Ideally it should be where nobody can see it and get offended, so think about flying it in a wardrobe or cellar. Don’t under any circumstances put one on your car, mainly because it looks naff.

Donate to a dragon sanctuary

This will be tricky because giant winged lizards that spout flames don’t exist. Komodo dragons are close enough though, so sling a few quid their way for peace of mind. It’s the least you can do to make up for the time St George ran a lance through one, which definitely happened.

Hum ‘Jerusalem’ quietly to yourself

This hymn with lyrics written by William Blake is much better than the national anthem, although to be fair that isn’t difficult. Hum it to yourself at low volume while looking at a picture of the White Cliffs of Dover to feel maximum pride for our green and pleasant land. Do not get carried away and sing ‘Rule Britannia’.

Think about Shakespeare

Shakespeare knew St George was a symbol of English greatness, that’s why he mentioned him in a famous speech in Henry V. It’s quite long and doesn’t make a lot of sense though, so instead of reading it just think random thoughts about our renowned playwright, like: ‘Wasn’t his ruff silly?’

Go Morris dancing

What could be a more dignified way of showing your patriotism than prancing around waving handkerchiefs and clacking sticks together? Morris dancing has become a traditional highlight of St George’s Day, so get in touch with your local troupe to see if they’ve got any vacancies. Spoiler alert: they will be absolutely desperate for new blood.