How to tell a friend with a beard they look like the ultimate twat

IT’S not easy to break it to a friend that their new beard looks ridiculous. Here are some ways to do it.

‘Did you grow it for charity?’

This cleverly hides an insult within a compliment. You’ve told them they are an upstanding member of society while also letting them know their hairy chin rug looks shite.

‘I almost mistook you for Gerry Adams!’

Compare them to someone they definitely won’t want to look like and the beard will be history. Hagrid and Brian Blessed are also good. If they still won’t take the hint, use the nuclear option: Peter Sutcliffe.

‘Are you having a nervous breakdown?’

If their beard is a wild, bushy affair that they think makes them look like a member of Mumford & Sons, gently burst their bubble by suggesting they have gone a bit mental.

‘Have you got a job as Father Christmas?’

Works best at Christmas, but try it anyway and act all surprised when they remind you they already have a job as an accountant. At other times of the year ask if they are on an MI5 watchlist, due to joining ISIS.

‘You look like a fucking idiot’

When all else fails, go with the cold, hard truth. They will come to appreciate your tough love in time, and the furry eyesore on their face will soak up their tears anyway.