Hungover office worker convinced headphones make him invisible

A HUNGOVER office worker is this morning hoping that wearing headphones will somehow make him invisible.

Tom Booker from Liverpool said: “If I can just get to my desk without making eye contact with anyone then I can use the headphones like an invisibility cloak.

“All they’ll see is an eerily floating pair of headphones as I merge chameleon-like into my environment.”

Meanwhile one of Paul’s co-workers said: “Not only are we perfectly able to see him, we can hear him groaning every couple of minutes.

“And he smells.”

Booker added: “I really want to go to the toilet but then I’d have to take off these headphones, which would make me visible again.

“Maybe I’ll just urinate in this bin, because I’m totally transparent people will just assume it’s a poltergeist.”

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Tampon adverts promoting unrealistic levels of sporting achievement

A WOMAN has been left disappointed after her sanitary product did not allow her to play football at professional level, it has emerged.

Nikki Hollis, from Luton, began buying a particular brand of tampons after seeing an advert featuring a woman being able to play sport and smile despite having her period.

Hollis said: “It was strongly suggested that there was a direct correlation between using tampons and being able to score a goal with an impressive header to the delight of my female team mates.

“My friends refused to be strong, empowered women by playing football with me so I went to the park by myself and tried to join in a game with some small boys. They let me kick the ball but it veered off over a fence and was flattened by a lorry.

“The boys started crying and called me a bully. It wasn’t the first step on the path to sporting glory as I’d been led to believe.

“I’ve also still found myself unable to use a zip wire, windsurf or roller skate whilst pulled along by a pack of friendly dogs, as other tampon adverts have suggested. Maybe I’m using them wrong?”