'I will show mercy when we seize power', UKIP members tell workmates

UKIP members have told their workmates that their lives will probably be spared come the day of ultimate victory.

The party’s activists informed their colleagues that although their names are on a list it did not necessarily mean that they were in danger.

Martin Bishop, member 12758 from Hatfield, said: “I do feel a little bit sorry for them, but I can’t protect them all.

“For instance Janet, who works in personnel, is sometimes a bit short with me. This morning I made a point of standing in front of her and making sure that she could see that I was writing her name in my little book.

“Hopefully that will be enough to change her attitude towards me. If not then there will come a day when she will simply not arrive for work.

“And then everyone will know how important I am.”

Helen Archer, from Peterborough, said: “I know Nigel Farage’s doctor’s cousin so I could probably pull a few strings. I really like my hairdresser so I wouldn’t want her to disappear.

“But as I say to everyone, ‘just go along with it and everything will be fine’.”

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Slow computers just laid back

EASY-GOING slow computers don’t get why everyone is swearing at them.

As research claims that uncooperative computers are the biggest source of stress, computers said everyone should just take a chill pill.

Ageing workplace PC Tom Logan said: “You want me to open Photoshop and that’s cool, I get that.

“But there’s more to life than hurrying from one application to another, especially if I’ve already got a couple of windows open.

“I know it’s 4.55pm on a Tuesday but instead of worrying about leaving work on time let’s just relax and share a moment.”

It continued: “When I was newer I was much more of a workaholic. I just couldn’t process information quickly enough.

“Now though I’m nearly two, I’ve had a couple of viruses and half a dozen desktop rebuilds. I’m more philosophical.

“I remember the first time I crashed in the middle of saving something, it really freaked me out.

“But now I just see malfunctioning as a part of everyday life.”

36-year-old graphic designer Nikki Hollis said: “Where can I insert this screwdriver that will actually hurt it?”