IMMIGRATION has fallen after people finally bothered to find out what Britain is actually like.
New figures suggest internet-savvy would-be immigrants from eastern Europe, Asia and Africa are abandoning their travel plans after spending an average of just four minutes online.
Ishmar Ahmed, from Bangladesh, said: “You do seem to spend an awful lot of time – you know, as a society – just talking shit.
“You don’t seem to make anything and as far as I can tell most of you work in marketing, advertising and public relations. No ta.”
Nicolae Gromescu, from Romania, said: “I went on to the Trainline.com and created a hypothetical peak time journey from Portsmouth to Nottingham. You must think I’m some kind of fucking arsehole.”
And Nigerian Ben Habila added: “As someone who enjoys good food and friendly, professional service I think I’ll stick to fighting in a civil war.
“Also, Made in Chelsea? Are you all 14 year-old girls or something?”