Immigration down as foreigners finally do some research

IMMIGRATION has fallen after people finally bothered to find out what Britain is actually like.

New figures suggest internet-savvy would-be immigrants from eastern Europe, Asia and Africa are abandoning their travel plans after spending an average of just four minutes online.

Ishmar Ahmed, from Bangladesh, said: “You do seem to spend an awful lot of time – you know, as a society – just talking shit.

“You don’t seem to make anything and as far as I can tell most of you work in marketing, advertising and public relations. No ta.”

Nicolae Gromescu, from Romania, said: “I went on to the and created a hypothetical peak time journey from Portsmouth to Nottingham. You must think I’m some kind of fucking arsehole.”

And Nigerian Ben Habila added: “As someone who enjoys good food and friendly, professional service I think I’ll stick to fighting in a civil war.

“Also, Made in Chelsea? Are you all 14 year-old girls or something?”

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What's a 'Leveson'? asks The Internet

THE thing where everyone gets their news has promised to find out what a ‘Leveson’ is.

As Sir Brian Leveson’s 2,000 page report on media standards was unveiled, The Internet reckoned it would be very useful for sticking underneath the wonky legs on the tables where people put their laptops.

The Internet said: “According to Wikipedia this chap has spent 16 months investigating the behaviour of the British press. It also says he used to be a woman.

“Anyway, I’m sure this independent watchdog will do a fantastic job of watchdogging – I’m sorry how do you pronounce it… ‘nyoospaypers’?

“And then in five years time, when the last printing press has been melted down and turned into servers, they can watchdog something else.”

The Internet added: “I see there’s now thousands of interesting blog entries popping about Leveson. I’m just so brilliant at this kind of thing.

“It does look like it’s shaping up to be a very lively, well-informed debate with many people speculating exactly when Mr Leveson had his sex change.

“Meanwhile, there do seem to be some other people stressing that he was never a woman, but that he is King of the Masons.

“And look, there’s Twitter and Facebook, bursting at the seams with people committing the most flagrant contempt of court, over and over and over again.

“Good luck sorting that lot out.”