Infidelity websites lead to sex with middle aged people who cry a lot

ADULTERY websites lead to hassle, paranoia and sex with sad middle aged people who keep bursting into tears.

After cheating site Ashley Madison was hacked, internet adulterers warned that illicit sex with nervy strangers is a total nightmare and urged people to try shoplifting instead.

Office manager Roy Hobbs said: “You have to travel miles and spend hours swearing at your satnav for the sake of a mediocre hump with a self-absorbed fucknut in a Holiday Inn Express.

“Also it’s hard to enjoy sex in a hotel with a total stranger because you keep thinking about that urban legend where a big burly bloke jumps out of a wardrobe and bums you.”

Sales executive Donna Sheridan said: “I was expecting 50 Shades, but instead the guy took me to Chicken Cottage on his moped.

“Then we did it badly in his uncle’s shed. And then he burst into tears. I feel so alive.”

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Just keep having babies, Britain tells Royals

THE Royal family can be as fascist as it wants, as long as it keeps producing lovely babies, it has been agreed.

As the Queen and Prince Philip faced new questions on their love of Hitler, people across the country stressed they could not care less.

Royal expert Denys Finch-Hatton: “As with all Royal ‘controversies’, it’s not remotely important. No-one gives a shit, except those really pernickety, self-loathing Guardian readers who no-one listens to anyway.”

Margaret Gerving, from Ashford, said: “If I’m honest I’m probably at least 80 per cent fascist. I literally hate everyone, except Princess Charlotte.

“If the Royal Family wants to seize control and put most people in some sort of camp, that’s fine by me. I just need a new Royal baby every 12 to 18 months and the subsequent souvenir edition of the Daily Mail.

“And presumably the Daily Mail would also be happy with all of that.”