ADULTERY websites lead to hassle, paranoia and sex with sad middle aged people who keep bursting into tears.
After cheating site Ashley Madison was hacked, internet adulterers warned that illicit sex with nervy strangers is a total nightmare and urged people to try shoplifting instead.
Office manager Roy Hobbs said: “You have to travel miles and spend hours swearing at your satnav for the sake of a mediocre hump with a self-absorbed fucknut in a Holiday Inn Express.
“Also it’s hard to enjoy sex in a hotel with a total stranger because you keep thinking about that urban legend where a big burly bloke jumps out of a wardrobe and bums you.”
Sales executive Donna Sheridan said: “I was expecting 50 Shades, but instead the guy took me to Chicken Cottage on his moped.
“Then we did it badly in his uncle’s shed. And then he burst into tears. I feel so alive.”