TORCHWOOD actor John Barrowman’s demonic homosexuality last night scored
an effortless victory over the power of prayer.
A group of Christians, led by prospective Tory MP Phillippa Stroud, claimed that mumbling in a Church would cause the supernatural evil that causes Barrowman’s insatiable lust for manflesh to leave his body forever.
Despite widespread scepticism throughout the non-mental community, the Christians’ plan started impressively when their prayers manifested themselves as a host of stridently heterosexual, gossamer-winged angels.
But when the heavenly messengers confronted Barrowman coming out of a sauna and showed him some pictures of vaginas, they soon found themselves face to face with the sodomy-loving demon that has possessed the actor’s soul.
Appalled eye-witness, Tom Logan, said: “Mr Barrowman winked at the angels and then bent over and touched his toes.
“At that moment an astonishingly well-built, semi-naked traffic policeman sporting a big brass cock ring popped out of his bottom in what seemed to me to be a blasphemous parody of the virgin birth.
“It belched an evil black cloud of gayness at the angels, which enveloped them and immediately made them confused about their sexuality. They started kissing and licking each other’s firm, sculpted wings in a lascivious way.
“I dont want to go into the rough, hard details about what happened next, but let’s just say that I hope Jesus has stocked up on donut cushions and Germolene.”
He added: “The whole thing was like a much less gay version of Torchwood.”