Johnson to press ahead with island for people called Boris

BORIS Johnson is to create an island sanctuary for people called Boris.

Boris Karloff monsters will be used to scare away the non-Borises

After his plans for an island airport were rejected, the London mayor insisted he was always going to create a Boris Island in the Thames, he just thought it would be good to put an airport on it.

He said: “We can still have a wonderful Boris Island, even without the planes. In fact it will just mean more room for the Borises.

“It will be a place where Borises can run free, make love in the street and eat with their hands.”

Early subscribers include the novelist Boris Starling, Jamaican reggae singer Boris Gardiner and House of Cards actor Boris McGiver. Each Boris will get a two bedroom eco-home, a Ford Fiesta and a velvet onesie.

Johnson added: “I’ve made no secret of the fact that I want to be the Chief Boris, but Boris Island will be a democracy and there’s every chance the Borises will choose Boris Williams, the drummer for The Cure.”

Facilities will include the Boris Becker Tennis Dome, the Boris Spassky Chess Mall and the Boris Pasternak Institute for Watching Dr Zhivago.

In the centre of the Island there will be a 40ft statue of Boris Yeltsin, also known as the Ultra-Boris. At the base of the statue there will be a fountain supplying all the Borises with a never ending supply of fizzy Boris juice.

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DJ names not stupid enough

THE lack of absurd DJ names has been linked to a decline in the quality of dance music.

It even says ‘Grooverider’ on his debit card

A recent chart of the world’s highest-earning DJs revealed that they either perform under their real names or dull pseudonyms like ‘Axwell’ that sound like car parts companies.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “When rave culture was at its creative peak DJs had daft names like Grooverider, Pilgrim, or Digs and Woosh.

“Even ’Sasha’ is a pretty stupid name for a bloke when you think about it.

“Everyone around them was too nutted to advise them against such folly. Also this was before disc jockeys were placid corporate whores obsessed with their ‘brand’.

“Now that it’s all been ruined and big DJs entertain massive sports arenas full of chronically steroidal young capitalists, they sound like a bunch of chartered accountants.”

Professor Brubaker added that if Calvin Harris had any integrity he would call himself something interesting like DJ HorseForehead, Angela Lansbury or Medieval Fanta Lizard.

Stadium DJ Stephen Malley said: “I actually tried to think of a stupid DJ name but found I lacked the creative capacity to do so. The best I managed was ‘Stevie’.”