Journalist to give up writing gimmicky bullshit features for a month

A JOURNALIST is to spend a month not writing features about giving things up for a fixed period of time.

Freelance writer Tom Booker took up the challenge after running out of ideas for things he could give up in order to write articles about it.

Booker said: “Last month I gave up using my car for a bit, which got me in the Guardian and was a piece of piss because I work from home and live near a tube station.

“At various times I’ve given up meat, TV, iPods, social networking sites and credit cards, so I was really struggling to think of something new.

“Also I got busted by an editor for recycling an old one about quitting coffee where I just did a ‘find-replace’ and changed it to being about sex.

“Then it struck me – why not give up writing all these articles? Just for a month, as an interesting experiment.

“Then in the resulting Sunday supplement feature I can conclude that the experience was rewarding but ultimately unsustainable.”

Booker added: “The hardest part will be finding something else to do for those 30 days. I might have to temporarily get a proper job.

“Maybe something real and meaningful like writing top ten abdominal muscle development tips for Men’s Health magazine.”

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Beer gardens not actually gardens

A CONCRETE area attached to a pub is not a garden, it has been claimed.

Researchers studied over 1,000 beer gardens and found that they were grimly utilitarian holding pens with a post-apocalyptic ambience.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute For Studies said: “My local is a shithole but, as the name suggests it’s local so I’m forced to drink there.

“If you take away the Sky Sports, the vaguely comfortable furniture and the roof from that shithole, add wasps, what have you got? A shithole’s beer garden, that’s what.

“Being outside is such a novelty for British people that they barely notice their surroundings. They just buy their pints and emerge blinking into the sunlight with the giddy wonderment of newly-freed battery animals.”

Trading standards officers are considering whether pubs should replace the word ‘garden’ with the more accurate ‘external drinker containment area’.

Drinker Julian Cook said: “Personally I find the loud whirring of the pub’s freezers provides a soothing backdrop to al fresco drinking, as the sun slowly sets behind the boozer’s rottweiler-patrolled flat roof.

“But then I am just a big tattooed romantic.”