Keeping cannabis illegal ‘sends important message that you can ignore laws if you want’

THE government is keeping cannabis illegal to send a message that you can pick and choose which laws to obey, it has confirmed.

A Home Office spokesman said: “If you go to your nearest park right now, some teenagers are smoking a massive skunk bifter on the swings and everyone is walking their dogs around them.

“But legalising a drug already used by your friends, by politicians and by your own dear mum, would be a statement that the laws of this country actually have some meaning to its inhabitants and that they cannot be ignored with impunity. 

“There is also a risk that it would decrease the likelihood of young people moving on to crack and heroin use by signalling they are in some way more harmful. 

“No, the message sent by this government is that some laws are disregarded by the public, police and lawmakers alike and it’s up to you to decide which.”

He added: “Have you tried dabbing? All rappers do it. Apparently you get mashed.”

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Middle class grandparents demand ridiculous ‘original’ nicknames

A PAIR of middle class grandparents have confirmed that names like ‘granny’ and ‘grandad’ are too boring for people as unique and special as them.

Helen Archer and her husband Peter have told their family they are thrilled to be grandparents, but will not be answering to any traditional titles such as gran, nan or grampy.

Helen Archer said: “As a trendy, dynamic older woman I don’t want to be trailed by a child shouting something frumpy when all my other friends are being called interesting things like Whizzy and Gangnam.

“I would consider something that is popular abroad, like Abuela or Nonna, but I don’t really want people to think my daughter did it with a foreigner.

“I’m also interested in something that makes absolutely no sense but sounds cool, like Fancy or Peach.

“And as for Peter, I haven’t felt a twinge of attraction towards him since 1987, so having to call him grandpa would just add insult to injury. Maybe if he was renamed Bubba or Big Poppa it would get my juices flowing a bit.”