Landlord ups rent because why not

A LANDLORD has decided to slap an extra £200 on his tenants’ monthly rent because, at the end of the day, who is going to stop him? 

Martin Bishop woke up this morning and realised that his long-term renters have been getting away with paying a mutually-agreed fair sum for far too long.

He said: “I always felt the market rate for this flat was too low, and that was nine months ago. They’re basically stealing from me. I’m not having that.

“Yeah, they’ve always paid their rent on time and they’re nice people, but I’m tired of selflessly only taking £2,000 of their money every month. It’s time I put myself first for once.

“The rent as is more than covers my mortgage and maintenance costs and all that. So what? I’ve blamed inflation, but mainly I’m bored of seeing the same number on my bank statements. Increase it gives me a bit of variety.”

Tenant Ryan Whittaker said: “We explained that we couldn’t afford it, and it’s the same flat it always was, and it’s kind of not really fair, and the sound of him not giving a shit was palpable.

“I hope I never turn into a twat like that. I won’t. I’ll never be able to afford to f**king buy.”

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Dad takes kids on educational trip to beer garden

A FATHER has treated his children to a half-term educational visit to one of Cambridgeshire’s best-kept beer gardens. 

Joseph Turner, aged 42, has taken his sons on a special day out to a country pub where they will learn how to carry a round, the benefits of setting up a tab, and which snacks go with which beer.

He said: “It’s a lovely old day so I thought I’d combine sunshine with learning. They’ll need to know this stuff when they’re older.

“A trip to the pub is much more beneficial for kids than a farm or another sodding National Trust. Here they’ll pick up life skills like avoiding drunks, jostling to the front of a crowded bar and never overpaying for a guest IPA.

“If they’re well-behaved I’ll even demonstrate the effect of alcohol consumption on my speech and physical coordination. That’s more valuable than some bollocks about George III and rood screens.

“They can have as much lemonade as they want, mix with other kids on the bouncy castle the landlord’s put up to give blokes like me an excuse, and it’s Domino’s for tea. Tell me that doesn’t beat a bronze age village or whatever the f**k.”

Nine-year-old son Tom said: “It’s brilliant. I’ve begged dad to bring us back next weekend and he seems really up for it.”