Landlord won’t allow pets but will allow f**k-off hole in roof

A LANDLORD has confirmed that he will not allow pets but that a large hole in the roof does not infringe his strict rules. 

Wayne Hayes, owner of seven investment properties, enforces a ‘no shoes on carpet’ policy, does not allow toasters  and warns that Blu Tack marks mean the automatic forfeiture of deposits, but is surprisingly lax on the rain coming in.

He said: “My properties are my future, and looking after them is only good sense. Except when it’s not.

“The fact is that we’ve had a quote to fix that roof and it simply isn’t competitive when compared to the longstanding bucket solution we already have, so fixing it doesn’t make sense. You wouldn’t know that because you’re only a tenant.

“I didn’t see you complain during the heatwave when it was providing ventilation. You need to take more responsibility for your own living conditions. Getting it fixed professionally at your own expense would be a step toward that.”

Tenant Tom Booker said: “We moved in here because the rules made it seem like the house would be clean and well looked after.

“Last month I asked him if the shower would ever get fixed and he claimed it’s on the tenancy agreement that I should be a member of a gym.”