Leaded petrol, ditching seatbelts and the old money: the next six post-Brexit bonuses

THE return of imperial measurements is just the start of our glorious post-Brexit bonuses. Here’s what else we can look forward to:

Leaded petrol

Good old four-star petrol has been banned in the UK since 2000 because those unelected EU snowflakes told us it’s dangerous to constantly pump toxic fumes into the air. By bringing it back we can improve engine performance and toughen up millennials with some character building lead poisoning. It’s a win-win situation.

Ditching seatbelts

Plucky Brits should be free to live as dangerously as possible, and to that end seatbelts will be completely phased out by 2023. If you’re unlucky enough to get into a collision simply cross your fingers and hope for the best as you fly out of the windscreen. Or don’t, it’s up to you, we don’t want to sound like the nanny state.

The old money

Pennies and pounds are too easy to understand, that’s why people overspend them and get poor. By bringing back shillings, crowns and thrupenny bits, proles will be too confused to spend their earnings and therefore lift themselves out of poverty. And once everyone gets the hang of pre-decimal currency we’ll revert to bartering.

Cathode-ray tube TVs

Massive sets with tiny, flickering screens were good enough for the Queen’s coronation back in 1953, so they’ll gradually replace the garish HD televisions we all currently enjoy. They won’t be able to pick up digital channels and Channel 5 will be fuzzy all the time, but you never watched that shit anyway so you’ll be fine.

Single fags sold to kids

Few things were more quintessentially British than newsagents being allowed to sell single fags with a match attached to underage kids. It’s up there with Buckingham Palace and poor dental hygiene. After cutting through the red tape, our streets will soon be filled with the wholesome sight of growth-stunted nine-year-olds puffing away on a Superkings Original Black.

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Foreign holidays cleared for total f**kers

TOTAL f**king bastards who sat and watched everyone else try to enjoy themselves on British holidays have been cleared to go abroad. 

The arseholes, who either do not have children or do not give a shit about taking their children out of school, are off for a big foreign holiday without needing to do so much as a PCR test on their way home.

Gloating f**ker Tom Logan said: “Enjoy your week in a static caravan on the Welsh coast, did you? We’re going to Santorini.

“I knew the government wouldn’t hold its nerve. It never wanted any travel restrictions. Now they’ve all melted away and I’ve booked us a luxury all-inclusive and you’re at work, you twats.

“I already live in the Cotswolds, mate. I watched you trudging around in pissing rain trying to find a tea shop with a table spare so you could pay 30 quid for the privilege of being dry. I laughed.

“And now I’m laughing again. Because you’re stuck in the office and I’m off for a fortnight in Greece. It’ll be empty and beautiful and I’ll swim in the lovely warm Mediterranean while you wait for the bus with water getting into your shoes.”

He added: “It’s great being a total bastard. Everyone should try it. ”