Leave It To The Scooby Doo Gang, Says Top Cop

POLICE officers are good at hitting people in the mouth with truncheons but should leave catching criminals to the kids from Scooby Doo, a top policeman said last night. 

Sir Ronnie Flanagan said he had examined a series of cases in which ghosts had scared people away from old funfairs so their owners were forced to sell out to unscrupulous property speculators.

Each time the investigating officers had failed to work out that the ghost was the local developer using a sheet and a torch, until it was explained to them at the end by Fred and occasionally Thelma.

Sir Ronnie said: "These officers seemed to think it was either a real ghost or the angry, weird old man who ran the fair. But why would he want to scare his customers away? It was his business."

He added: "Recently Hetty Wainthrop was asked to investigate the disappearance of a deaf-mute called Malcolm. It transpired he was on the run after witnessing a police officer murder an ex-lover.

"Not only did she find Malcolm, but she did so after a superintendent had assigned the murderer to work with her on the case. There is only one word for that: appalling negligence."

Sir Ronnie said his review of police working practices showed that amateur sleuths such as Jonathan Creek, Jessica Fletcher out of Murder She Wrote and that new one with Stephen Fry, had a much higher clear-up rate than trained detectives.

He is recommending the police hand over a range of duties to civilians allowing officers to concentrate on sleeping with the local brasses for free, shaking down drug dealers and shooting electricians in the face.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Energy Companies All Back Same Horse In 3.50 At Lingfield

BRITAIN’S biggest energy companies last night expressed surprise after they all bet on the same horse to win yesterday’s Betfredbingo Novices Handicap Chase at Lingfield. 

Obvious Cartel, a five-year old colt trained by Jenny Pitman, came out of nowhere to romp home at the head of the nine-horse field, coming in a full two lengths ahead of The Greedy Bastard.

Bookies’ favourite Laissez Faire, trained by Sir Mark Prescott and ridden by Adam Smith, had a dismal day out and came in a very poor last.

Wayne Hayes, from German power giant E.on Energy, said: “I didn’t even realise any of the other companies were at the races today. I must say hello to Trevor from Scottish and Southern.”

Npower’s Tom Logan said his company had originally intended to go to the evening meeting at Wolverhampton but switched to Lingfield at the last minute so they could all get home in time to catch the first part of Ashes to Ashes on BBC1.

He added: “We didn’t really know the field so we just got Julie from the office to pick one whose colours she liked.”

Henry Brubaker, from British Gas, said: “We don’t normally socialise with people from the industry and we definitely don’t swap tips when we do. Or talk about price fixing.”

A spokesman for the consumer group Energywatch said: “I think it's great they've all won a  few quid on the horses. If I ever win any money I'll have an operation so that my head will no longer ZIP UP THE FUCKING BACK.”