Let's not do anything like that again as long as you live, says grateful nation

THE UK has asked the King to not put them through a weekend of pageantry like that for at least another 25 years. 

After three weekends in the last 12 months celebrating the wonder of people who objectively do very little, Britain has admitted it is all Royaled out.

Oliver O’Connor of Swindon said: “Appreciate the day off. But next time you’re thinking about dedicating a whole weekend to how amazing you are, can you just f**king not?

“I didn’t mind Platty Joobs. I accepted the necessity of the funeral even though that was practically a fortnight. I guess this had to happen next. But just leave it now, alright?

“As far as I can tell there’s nothing now until your Silver Jubilee when you’re 99, so you sit back and dream of that while the rest of us live our lives parade-free for a few years.

“Tell them kids of William’s they’re not marrying young. Forget doing anything for your Tin Jubilee. Quite frankly we need a long run-up before we’ll give a shit about you again.

“Off to your palace now and out of everyone’s faces. You’ve had your big day and you can remember that at length. Let’s have a few years of humbly serving the people from behind closed doors, eh?”

O’Connor added: “Oh yeah, one other thing: don’t die.”

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'Well, that definitely made us feel better about the cost-of-living crisis'

A MULTI-MILLION ceremony to place a heavy hat on a man has really put the cost-of-living crisis into perspective, Britain has agreed. 

Across the UK, whether an Aberdeen fisherman, a Belfast shipworker or a single mother in Birmingham, Britons are delighted with the three-day celebration of one of the world’s richest men that their taxes paid for.

Kelly Howard, who works two minimum wage jobs, said: “To be honest, after the simplicity and ease of the global pandemic, cost of living’s been a bit of a thorn in my side.

“I’m unable to afford fresh food, rent’s up, the heating’s not been on since Christmas, the children wear rags, and it’s been making me feel a bit sorry for myself.

“But when King Charles III came rolling down the Mall in his golden carriage with all those lovely colourful soldiers, I suddenly realised that it’s not the NHS or social care that needs funding, but him and his lovely family. Especially Andrew.

“Watching them switch between crowns, each more elaborately bejeweled than the last, took my mind off the black mould creeping up every wall. The tradition, the pageantry, the sheer historical significance, it all left me quite light-headed. Or that could be hunger.”

She added: “What a marvellous occasion, and now a day off! Except for me. I work in retail and I’m paying out more than my wages in childcare.”